Mine, To Begin With!

25. Abandoned

            Beam listened to the sound of the door clicking closed and dropped on his knees under the shower. The tears which stood stagnant in his eyes trickled down his cheeks freely. Faint sobs escaped from his lips as he sat crying pathetically on the bathroom floor. 

         'Forth is gone. He has left. He has abandoned me...just like everyone else, like my parents, like my relatives. He has left me when I need him the most', Beam mumbled to himself amidst his sobs. 

         Beam was raised to be an independent person. He didn't need anyone to take care of him. He didn't need anyone's help or comfort. But for once he wanted Forth to stay by his side that morning. He could manage the pain that his body was going through. He didn't need Forth to pamper him the morning after having sex. But he wanted the moral support from Forth. 

        Even if Forth was going to reject him, Beam expected Forth to do it with respect like a man. It really irked him to see Forth apologizing and running away like a coward. He had never seen Forth that agitated before. His Forth was confident and bold, straightforward and sassy. But the Forth he saw that morning was someone different than the one he fell in love with. He understood everyone had their moment of weakness and vulnerability. But Forth looked more scared than being weak or confused. 

         Beam pulled up his knees and buried his face in between his knees. He had lost everything. He wanted to have one person in his life and he had lost him. And he might have lost him to his best friend probably. Beam thought that he deserved this punishment for being selfish and seducing Forth the previous night.

       Beam knew that he had intentionally ignored his best friend's feelings as soon as Forth had touched him. He shivered thinking what kind of betrayal it would have been to Phana if he had developed feelings for Forth and found out later that Beam had slept with Forth. Phana would be heart broken and would probably hate Beam. Beam tried to believe that Forth and Phana were just friends. But Forth apologizing to him, being scared about how to face Phana, lying to Phana and Phana worrying for Forth, made Beam believe that there was something more than friendship in between them. 

        Beam wondered if whatever happened the previous night was just physical for Forth. He remembered the times he had left his one night stands even before they woke up at a hotel or their place. He laughed at himself thinking how he was being treated the same way as he did to his one night stands. 

        'May be I am just worth a night  only. I am not worthy enough to be in a relationship with, I guess', Beam thought crying aloud. 

       Beam felt a strange vacuum spread inside his heart. The same vacuum and emptiness he felt when he had lost his parents, when he had realized all the uncles, aunts and cousins he loved so much were nothing but blood sucking leeches and when he lost his grandfather. Yet again he was left with his friends. 

        At a very young age, Beam thought his friends were everything in his life. He was too attached to them and very possessive over them. Very belatedly, Beam realized that no matter how close his friends were they had their own life and Beam would have to let them go one day. He came to this shocking realization during high school when Phana started harboring feelings for their junior Wayo and Kit started dating his childhood friend Pin and his grandfather passed away suddenly. 

        Beam tried having new hobbies, meeting new people, socializing himself, visiting clubs and bars and having girl after girl. But nothing worked. Nothing could replace the loneliness in his heart. No one could. Or that's what he thought until he met Forth. After meeting Forth, Beam hoped that finally he could have someone whom he could depend on, whom he could trust, whom he would love unconditionally and whom he could call as 'mine'.