The Initiation to Parenthood

I'm still trying to process how this will affect my life down the road. Just yesterday I was very much free to do as I pleased, and now I get the news that I might be a guardian to an eleven year old smart ass. I'm 30 years old, and I've JUST woken up to my calling- which is of a healer, a conscious leader, and oracle for those that have had tough lives. A motivational speaker, a writer, a leader, a healer, a philosopher; and just like that i feel like my life had temporary been put on pause, so I can, again, put another before me. The life of a soldier eh?

I received a call from Darlene yesterday that ACS had contacted her regarding my nephew Noel. Noel is my middle sisters Denise, son, and he has had a tough life, evident in the way his stands with his shoulders slouched, his poor hygiene, torn and worn out clothes, lack of motivation and ambition for life, and his overly mature brain, attitude and broad outlook on life- not forgetting his smart ass mouth. I swear when I speak to him, it feels like I'm speaking to an adult- he reminds me a lot of me. His mom is an addict, what drugs she chooses to ingest I have no clue, but I know she is also a heavy drunk; one of the many toxic gifts we inherited from my father's side- he too was a heavy drunk, and had two liver replacements in his lifetime- though still drinking. This is not the first time Noel's gotten taken away from his mother, and not the first time he has been in my custody. Noel has witnessed his mother get battered and bruised in front of him, he has seen her pass out drunk, wake up hung over, and take different dudes. He has even had his life put at risk by being forced to be driven around with her in the car drunk. So, maybe you can see, why I would never forgive myself if I chose to leave im in the hands of the state, or worst yet, the hands of my pessimistic, lazy, critical, negative, bitter mother (his grandmother). My oldest sister is a cop, and she has five kids of her own. She has already been denied custody because she had a open case back when she had her first born in the early 2000s; so ultimately it will fall down to myself and my mother- my mother not being an option.

I've worked with kids much of my life, whether it be getting paid to work with them, or helping to raise the little ones in my family tree. I have much experience, and I have the childlike energy to go with it. I consider myself mentally healthy and capable of caring for a child, but I do wonder what my life would be like if the custody was long term. Will I have a love life? Will I be overwhelmed by the responsibilities? Will I take out my frustration on him? Will it be expensive. Here I am impulsively becoming my nephews guardian, but is it impulsive? Could I leave him to rot in the system where kids are constantly getting molested, abused, tortured, used, and neglected? I couldn't bare the idea of allowing chance to play a role in his life, when I had the key to a better one. Yes I would have to sacrifice the single careless life. Yes I might get super invested in loving him and caring for him and if I end up losing him I'll have to deal with that, and if I end up stuck with him I'll have to deal with that too. I guess I'll just have to take the risk and see, as this seems to be a divine detour. So what's the worst that can happen, I'm only attractive to other parents, I lose out on superficial relationships, I probably won't have a lovelife for a while, I'll probably have to grow up a bit faster (but what's new), and I'll be forced to be consistent in my career because I have another human under my notch. So what are the pros? I'm forced to boss the fuck up (which is always a good thing no?), be responsible, be selfless (again, what's new), but I also get to have a sense of a real family. I get to express my love, and maybe get a few hugs in the process if my nephew is not too emotionally detached by the time he gets to me (cant remember the last time I got a hug to be honest). I get to heal someone, give them a better life, save them, isn't that what I wanted? To make a difference in someone's life- why not start with someone from my own family tree?

So this is me, risings up to the challenge, working through my emotions, and mentally preparing myself for what's to come. With no support from my mother, or anyone else besides my oldest sister who I just reconciled with after eleven years- who lives an hour away and works non-stop as a police officer. So in the midst of my spiritual awakening, restarting my career, looking for a job with not a dollar to my name, and a place to live, yearning for love I have not received in years, yearning for another humans touch, battling depression, and trying to keep clean of my addictions, I sit at the park writing this, in attempts to convince myself I can do this, though I have no idea how. I try to convince myself of all the other kids I cared for, and then that thought sinks in- those kids were under my care temporarily, this one may just be permanent.