Is This What You Always Want Me For?

Part 1

Prologue

I only write this down because I need to.  I need to understand what happened, how it happened, and how everything went horribly wrong.  This is what I do.  I analyze, I over-analyze.  I identify the problem, debate the arguments, and find the solution.  Is there a solution?  There has to be a solution.

My senior year was going to be perfect.  It was going to be my best year, my last year. I was going to finish strong, earn my scholarship and move on, but then he happened.  It wasn’t going to end up this way. It was an agreement, an agreement that wasn't suppose to go any farther.  I had set my mind about boys like him a long time ago and it wasn’t going to change.  I was strong, responsible and I was planning bigger things.  I need to start at the beginning, then I’ll figure out where it went wrong.  I can fix this.  There is a solution.

 .........

I moved past the mobs in the hall, all of them too busy in their drama-zoned lives to care about me.  The groups of friends huddled together gossiping about the crazy party last weekend or laughing along to their own inside jokes.  You could call them cliques, circles, gangs, but in the end they all looked at me the same: as an outsider, a smart girl with minimal interaction with my peers.  I had always been this way.  I stayed inside my own head and quietly moved through school like it was just one task I had to complete.  My insignificance was plastered on me, from my dull blonde hair to my neutral clothing.  I never stepped out of line, never spoke out of turn, and I was happy, or at least content.

The lunch bell sounded that September day and most students hurried away eager to get as much free time as possible. I headed for the library. It was where I spent all of my lunches and free time.  I liked my little hideaway not just for the peacefulness but for the hidden secrets it held. There were the dusty books in the back that no one had read in years and the disposed town newspapers that contained history forgotten. I guess you could say it was my escape. Here the characters in the stories could be with me in a new reality. I took my usual table towards the back and pulled out my books and lunch bag. I started working on my extra credit book report as I munched on my granola bar. I had just finished my character analysis when I heard voices enter the usually deserted library.

"I don't see why I had to come," I heard a boy say angrily.

"C'mon, be a friend," a different male voice answered.

I moved my chair closer the edge of the table and leaned my body at an angle so I could see past the bookcase that was blocking my view of the voices.

"Why are we even here?" The first one asked.

"Because Ray swore to me there was a science book in here with all the answers in it."

I let out a sigh and shook my head knowing there was no such book. I had spent my entire high school career in this library, and if there was such a book I would've stumbled across it sooner or later.

I recognized the boys though, now that I could see them. The dumb founded one looking for the book was Frank Iero. There was something about his jet black hair, tattoos, and lip ring that made some girls crazy. Well, the girls that liked Frank usually had gotten around a bit and shared his lack of ambitions in school. I had overheard a group of girls once saying he was a sex god and knew his way around the bedroom. I highly doubted that. He was their idol just because he played the guitar, and excited girls with his faux-rebellion attitude; anything to piss off mommy and daddy.

His slightly taller friend was Gerard Way. Gerard was a bit stockier than Frank with black hair and his usual black attire.  A loud kid by nature, Gerard was dumber to Franks dumb. I remember once a teacher telling me Gerard had all the abilities to be brilliant, but he didn't apply himself. I had shaken my head at another lost cause.

"C'mon Frank, what do you need the answers for anyway?" Gerard said trying to protest.

"Because Ger," Frank answered emphasizing his name. "I need to pass science this year otherwise I can't graduate."

"Psh, graduate," Gerard said leaning against a nearby bookcase. "It's over-rated."

"Not according to my parents."

"Hey I have an idea," Gerard said straightening up. "Just get one of your girlfriends to do the work for you," Gerard said moving between Frank and the book case.

"Gee, you know the girls I go with. I 'm surprised they can spell their own names," Frank responded with a laugh and pushed Gerard aside so he could continue to look for the nonexistent book.

"Then get a smart girlfriend," Gerard suggested not giving up. He slid between Frank and the book case again, determined not to be defeated. He clamped Frank on both shoulders and stared at him. For I second I thought Gerard was going to give Frank a hug and maybe a peck on the cheek but instead he leaned forward towards his ear with a smirk playing on his face. His softened voice made me lean forward a bit, eager to hear their conversation. "C'mon Frank, you could have any girl you want," he coaxed.

"Ha!" I huffed, and as soon as it escaped I knew it had been too loud.

Frank and Gerard's heads shot over towards my table and I ducked back quickly behind the bookcase. My heart was beating so hard I swore they would hear it and appear in front of me at any minute. What would I say?  How awkward would be their appearance, as I was clearly eavesdropping on every word?  As I contemplated how to talk my way out of this situation should they appear, I heard their voices return.

"You're right, Gerard," I heard Frank say.

"Don't you wish that could solve all your problems," Gerard answered.

I dared a peek around the bookcase again. Gerard had slung an arm around Frank's shoulders and was laughing and leading him out of the library. I watched them go and shook my head.

"Arrogant jerks!”

........

“So X2 multiplied by X3 will be X5."

I listened to our Algebra teacher drone on about multiplying powers when I had already mastered it the week before, and since our school didn't offer advanced courses I had to sit through it again. My teachers had always praised me on my work ethic and encouraged me to do advanced courses on my own which I did whenever I could.  I firmly believed that everything I did now only led to a better future.  I was going to graduate at the top of my class, get a full scholarship to NYU, and leave this place behind.  I knew deep down, that I was better than anyone in this school.  I wasn’t going to drown here like the rest of them. 

"Frank!" Our teacher yelled waking the sleeping Frank in the corner.

Frank shot up fast and stared at the teacher with a groggy expression. "What," he managed.

A few students snickered including Frank's friends who all sat around him.

"Frank can you tell me the answer to X6 multiplied by X2," the teacher asked clearly annoyed by Frank's disruption.

"Uh...12," Frank came up with quickly.

The whole class fell into laughter again, and the teacher shook her head.

"Miss Miller," she said scaring me with the sound on my name. I straightened up to look at her terrified I had done something wrong now, but she just sighed and went on. "Can you tell everyone the answer?"

I hated showing that I was a know-it-all.  I hated speaking in class at all, but I couldn't do anything now that the teacher had called on me.

"It's X to the power of 8," I answered making sure to keep looking straight at the teacher.

"Very good, Vita," the teacher announced turning back to the board.

I smiled and looked quickly at the corner where Frank was. To my surprise he was looking back at me with a shocked expression. I quickly looked away embarrassed that our eyes even locked for a minute.