take a good hard look ⚣ // scomiche

6

I always hated Summer camp.

Scott made it fun, though.

He set up a blanket by the river, with food laid out on it. I doubted that anyone else even knew about it.

It really made me feel special.

"I wish we could stay here forever. And be friend forever," he motioned to the left. We both knew university would probably separate us.

"We'll be friend for even longer," I said. A moment passed of exchanged smiles before he shook his head.

"Is that from Winnie the pooh?" He asked. I nodded my head, before sinking back into my spot, and eventually drifting to sleep.

***

"Mitch?" Kirstie asks, shaking my shoulder. My body was quaking as I held my head in my hands. "We shouldn't have gotten your hopes up."

I wondered how you could explain the physical sting when all you want is too be with someone.

I gasped in, counting the times my chest rose and sank, before turning up at the people around me, eyes still pinched closed.

"Scott?"

"Yeah?"

"Just...." I didn't know what to do. How to explain the emptiness I felt with no good reason. The ringing in my ears. The pain I shouldn't get to have.

He hugged me without a single word.

"Just take me home," I whispered.

Everyone turned for the door, and I felt myself boil over when Avi said five simple words.

"I know where Scott is."

***

I was running.

Where are you running? In the woods. Well where are you going? As far as I can. Are you gonna-

I stumbled over on a branch.

This is the river me and Scott used to sit at.

I didn't bother to turn around as everyone ran up to me.

"You fucking knew where he was," I said, forcing down a shout. "And Kirstie? You thought I didn't know Scott loved me. You still kept it from me."

"You didn't tell us he liked you!" Kirstie shot back, holding a hand to her hip.

"And that we kissed," I mumbled. I watched her ball her hands into uptight fists.

"Well now you can see him," she offers through gritted teeth, "you two can pout about the struggles of life together. It'll be fun."

"Pout? I thought the love of my life killed himself! Because of me," I said, now yelling. My voice was anchored with sobs as I pointed in their direction.

No one spoke. 

"Mitch, i'm so sorry," Avi said. "He just... he loved you too much, and he was happier alone-"

"Then with me."  

They all shrugged.

***

Scott had been living in a minorly incognito way in the state of Mississippi, working as a waiter during the day and singing at bars at nightfall.

He was living in a large apartment next to a school building, where one of his friends would come over a tutor him, as he couldn't attend at risk of being caught.

The fact he told Avi over me made me feel hurt. It caused me to re-circle and question every move I had made.

I probably led him on.

I probably loved him back.

how lucky am I too have someone that makes saying goodbye so eerily heartbreaking.

I battled with the fact that this might never make sense again.

"All we can do is try to make him happy enough to come back," Kirstie says. "Happy here. Not happy alone."

***

My heart raced just as fast as it had the day I found out he was gone. 

"Where you close with Mr. Hoying?"

"Mitch," he began, "I can't apologize."

"I guess you could say I was."

"Can you come back?" I asked. I allowed 5 seconds of eye contact with him, before the stinging in my throat became to painful. I let out a sob, and raised myself up again.

"Did he have suicidal tendencies?"

"I can't even fucking look at you," he said. His body squirmed in place, and I could tell he was struggling.

"Not that I know of."

"I'm so sorry you feel this way but I want to help," I begged. 

"Are you sure?"

"The only way to help is for you to leave," he confesses.

"Well, not 100%."

"Or to love you," I said. My face felt hot, and I let my jaw drop to take deeper breaths in.

"I thought you were close."

"You d-don't," he says. "You can't. My mom-"

"I thought we were, too."

I cut him off by letting our lips collide, and I gasped as I felt the guilt melt from my body.

"Don't leave me again, please," I say, my words strained. "I promise you don't deserve to feel this way."

He shrugs.

"Do you believe me?" I ask.

"Prove it."

~

- Somewhere in the future -

"Scott?" I asked. I was hanging my arms from the top monkey bar at a playground. It's around 6pm, so no one else is at the park.

"Yeah?"

"Do you believe me?" 

He walks over to me, and I wrap my arms around his neck, standing on my tippy toes to look at him.

"I believe you."