Secret Desires {Watty Awards 2012]

Don't go near him. 

Don't touch him.

Don't want him.

No matter how many times I told myself that, I couldn't help but hunger for his touch, yearn for him to come closer. 

I curled myself in a ball and and stared at him as he slept. He didn't snore. He looked so peaceful. I wanted to lay down next him but I knew if I were to, I wouldn't be only cuddling him. There would be a lot more action. 

I got up from the bed, excited the room, rushed to the restroom. I leaned over the tiolet and stuck a finger down my throat. I puked out everything that gave me the bloated feeling. I flushed, cleaned my mouth and leaned my back against the wall. I had to leave this place. I've sunk too deep. I need to escape before it's officially too late. I turned my head and stared at my refection. One arm covered my breast, one hand laid on my stomach. I was bare except for the thong I still had on. 

I got out of the bathroom and collected everything as quietly as I could and rushed out the apartment. I ran to my Eclipse and threw my bags in the trunk. I glanced once more at the window that was his room. My heart dropped, ached. I shook my head, got in, drove away. I had to do this. It was for the best. It wasn't suppose to be like this anyways. We were supposed to be all benefits. No feelings involved. That was deal. The ache in my heart wasn't supposed to be there. The pain I felt wasn't supposed to be hurting. I wasn't supposed to be falling in love with him. 

I wasn't paying attention to the green traffic light until I had earned a honk from the drivers behind me. I raised the volume of my radio. I listened closely to the lyrics and cried. It was the first time I've cried in years. The last time I cried was in 2004, when I was 16 and my first love had died. He was murdered by his own brother. Both boys wanted me. I only wanted one. I wanted Travis. 

We were madly in love, for 16 year olds.We had done just about everything together. Were known to be the kind of people who act as if we were married. We had a puppy that we raised together like a kid. We  were committed to each other. There was just a problem. His brother Sebastien had been obsessed with me. 

Seb was my first, I was his 10th. He had told me it felt like his first, but better. He wanted to be with me. I hadn't had strong feeling for him. Seb was 19, Travis was the same age as me. We were a week apart. Seb was the one who first introduced me to Travis. We weren't exactly an item though. I was just one of the girls he had hooked up with. 

He had noticed how easily Travis and I clicked, how easily he made me smile. Something that was pretty difficult for Sebastien to do. 

We were at some club that had later on got shut down. Non of us drank even though we could have easily. We just went to celebrate a friend's birthday, it was on Monday, who drinks on Mondays?

After Travis died and Seb disappeared, I had entered the modeling world. After two years of modeling I had found myself raped by a photographer. No one had known except his assistant ,Jordan. The man I'm now running from. I fell for him. Didn't want to. I don't understand how I did. I just know I ended up being addicted. 

I wanted him every moment, I wanted to do him every moment I had the chance. At first it was secret then he began showing signs of having feelings for me. I always regretted staying longer than needed. I regretted sleeping over when I was too lazy to catch a cab. 

When I pulled up Ally's house I sighed. I laid my forehead against the steering wheel. I groaned. I forced myself to get out and walked up to her door. I noticed the curtains moving slighty, the door opened to the sight of a five-year old Sammy. I smiled and picked her up. 

"Hey, Sammy! I missed you." Her light blonde hair lightened to almost a white blonde, her green eyes had darked to a greenish gray, she had grown almost trice her hieght. 

She wrapped her small arms and legs around my body. "Auntie M!"

Ally had on sweat pants and a white tank top on. Her hair was in a loose ponytail.. She grinned and took Sammy from me. Sammy pouted, crossed her arms and glared at he mother.

"Hey, Melisa.It's been a while."

"Down, Mama. Pleeeese", Sammy said as she tugged softly on Ally's hair. Ally nodded and placed Sammy on her feet. Sammy smiled a toothy grin at me and ran to her room. Her brother Jacob peeked out from behind his mom and smiled. His dark brown hair in his face covering his blue eyes. 

"Mmmm!"

I laughed and waved at him. He waved back and trotted after his older sister. I looked around for Johny, Ally's baby-daddy. He wasn't anywhere. 

"And Johny?" I walked in and closed the door behind me. 

Ally shook her head and looked away. I hugged her and looked out for Jacob and Sammy. "It's going to be OK. As long as he doesn't hurt you again, everything with be fine, his penis will still be intact, no one will have to get surgery. No one will get burried alive."

Ally laughed. She pushed me away. She wiped the few tears she had. "How about you? How are you doing, Melisa?"

I shurgged "Been better. Uhm do you have any id-"

The door slammed open. Johny was drunk and he had a gun. We froze and stared wide eyed at him. The kids screamed. 

"Oh, there he is." I said looking at him and the gun. 

"Shut up, Whore! Get out of my house you filthy piece of shit!" 

Ally spoke up, she grabbed my hand. She was shaking. "Don't talk to her like that."

"Who said I was telling her to leave? I was talking to you." He pointed thegun to her. He fired the gun. I blocked the shot with my shoulder. I was the one who got shot. I was the one who fell and fainted. I was the one the darkness surrounded itself around.