"we've been neighbours for nearly ten years and I'm just finding out your name."
"tell me about it. all these years I've been calling you the boy from-"
"-two doors down...," I finish for him,my eyes wide.
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hyggelig (n.) - a feeling of openness,warmth and friendship; a complete absence of anything irritating or emotionally overwhelming.
every question I'd ever asked myself growing up was successfully suppressed. though the same thoughts would sometimes haunt my mind when moonlight threw shadows around my bedroom floor.
whenever I began spiralling deeper down the tunnel of overthinking,he always brought me back. like a little reminder in the corner of my mind his face would appear and peer into me with those curious eyes.
I always pacified them by telling myself I was too young to know anything and answers would eventually show when I was older. I just wondered how old. the questions and thoughts gnawing at my head bugged me worse every night but I managed to distract myself pretty decently.
but I remember the day my night time thoughts began hitting in the day.
it was a Saturday and I was running up to namjoon's room to show him something on my phone. I threw the door open and froze. namjoon's laptop was switched on and I remember catching a glimpse of a naked woman before he screamed profanities and slammed the door in my face.
I was stunned for a few seconds after that,frozen in front of his door. I escaped to my room to contemplate what I saw and heard when namjoon threw my door open.
"don't tell mom what you saw,please," he said and I nodded,eyebrows furrowed as I got to thinking.
as a testosterone-fuelled boy of 14,I was surprised by the fact that the only time I really got aroused was when the boy who bought me ice cream sat on me. I try not to think about it because it isn't the most comforting thought to dwell on. but still,it was the only one I had as reference.
the questions about on gender and sex kept cropping up from then on because I didn't know what I felt. perhaps one's teenage years are meant to be extremely confusing but the confusion and unknowing I felt was horrible.
the friends I had weren't permanent and the boy who bought me ice cream didn't want to be associated with me any longer though I could see him staring out of the corner of my eye during classes so I didn't exactly have proper distractions.
until jimin came.
jimin moved here from michigan in the second week of the school year. seeing as I was the only other korean student in the school who wasn't a complete asshole,we became fast friends. turns out jimin was born in busan too and had to move to michigan because his parents' company required it.
jimin wasn't like anyone I ever knew. he wore shorts as short as the school allowed and bright, striking colours. people used the word at him too but he just turned to them and flashed the finger in their face or came back with some smart retort.
he was shorter than me and had these pretty plump pink lips. he even wore lipgloss. he wasn't like any other boy I'd ever known. one of the things I loved about my friendship with jimin was that I could talk to him about anything.
it was a quiet friday after school when we were hanging out at his house that I asked him the questions that had been bugging me.
"jimin?," I started,sitting down next to him and reaching into the bag of chips he had in his lap.
"hm?"
"I can't get hard."
he turned to face me,choking on a chip.
"easy there ricardo. what do you mean?"
"porn doesn't get me hard. naked girls don't get me hard. nothing works."
"and you wanna get hard? boners are irritating sweetie."
"I just wanna know what works for me. like I'm not broken or something."
jimin sighed and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"you aren't broken kookie. you probably haven't found what you like. maybe try bdsm? or gay porn?"
for some reason,my face scrunched when he mentioned gay porn.
"dude I'm not gay,the fuck."
as the words left my mouth,the boy from two doors down materialised in my mind and raised an eyebrow at me. I shook the thought away.
jimin stiffened beside me.
"someone's offended."
"you just accused me of being gay,how else was I supposed to respond?"
"excuse me?," jimin said,sarcasm dripping from his tone. he stood up and crossed his arms.
I shrugged.
"why are you getting so worked up? calm down."
jimin stared at me with wide eyes and motioned to himself. it didn't hit me when he did that. when my eyes raked over his bright blue sweater and velvet booty shorts down to his rainbow customised sneakers.
I stared at him in confusion."what? I know you're short."
he slapped a palm to his forehead.
"jungkook,I'm gay!"
my eyes widened.
"r-really?"
"how did you not guess? look at what I'm wearing!"
"well sorry I don't stereotype the people you like by what you wear!"
to my surprise,jimin grinned. he ruffled up my hair and sat back down next to me. I glanced at him,unsure of what to say.
"sorry for freaking out. I didn't know you were gay."
jimin sighed."it's okay. but is that how you really feel about gay people?"
"no,it isn't. I just thought you were accusing me of being gay and stuff so I got all defensive. I shouldn't have."
"well,good. I wouldn't wanna have to lose you because of your homophobia."
"hey,I'll never leave. I promise," I said,wrapping an arm around jimin and squeezing his shoulder.
he smiled and leaned over to kiss my cheek. I felt the imprint of his lips after he moved and butterflies arose in my tummy.
I felt better talking to jimin. that was one less thing to nag at my thoughts. I didn't mention the boy from two doors down,though. he was something I wanted to figure out on my own.
