StaR-CrosseD🔱 {Book 1}

Chapter Twenty-One

The truth of the matter is I'm scared shitless. Fear is not usually a word that's associated to me, but Sebastian Jackson scares the shit outta me. The way I feel about that boy is so fucking intense that sometimes it feels like my heart is finna spontaneously combust or some shit. That shit is scarier than any gunfight I've been in, especially because I feel controlled by that emotion. The way I lose myself whenever anyone posses a threat to him scares me, i black out and wanna kill everyone involved, that's some unhealthy ass shit.

But the thing is I ain't no scary nígga. I don't like the feeling of being afraid of anything, of being a slave to my emotions in such a way. I don't accommodate it and I certainly won't let it continue. Imagine if I let go and let myself love him the way I want to and then he walks away just like my mama did. Just like everyone who ever saw us together said he would. I mean there's only so much 'you're not good enough' a person can hear before they start to believe it.

The last time I was truly scared and blacked out for the first time, I was 9years old and beat a grown nígga beyond recognition with a baseball bat, that grimy ass nígga ain't even seen it coming. I mean, he was asleep at first and by the time he was conscious enough to do anything about it Pops got there and finished the job. But all that rage pales in comparison compared to now when someone so much as looks at Sebby funny. Being with him makes me feel vulnerable and I can't let that continue. I can't let no one control me like that.

Plus with all the messed up shit I've done Sebby is an easy target, if i don't stay far away from him. Someone could use him to get to me. I can't let him be a casualty of war, I'd burn this entire fucking city down if that ever happened. So the best thing is to stay away and let him be happy.

"Yo, want some breakfast?" Rico asked from the kitchen. I'm sitting in the dining area icing out my bruised knuckles.

"Yeah man, thanks." I replied and two seconds later his head popped out of the kitchen.

"You okay?" He asked, like he has every minute in the last week or so. Rico's been following me every damn where since Sebby left, I think he's afraid i might cross a line i wouldn't be able to come back from.

"Peachy." I responded flatly. He gave me a look that clearly meant he didn't believe me.

Some shuffling from the front door caught my attention so i looked up to see pops unlock the door and come in. Now who gave this man a key to my house?

He walked past me to where my brother was still sticking his head out and kissed his forehead before walking back to me, except he didn't stop when he got to me, he just said "walk with me," and kept walking.

I looked over at Rico for answers and he shrugged unhelpfully and mouthed 'no idea' before turning his attention back to the eggs in his hand.

I reluctantly followed my dad outside and stopped in front of him, but instead of meeting his gaze I looked down to my feet uncomfortably. I don't know what it is about my pops that always bitch me out. That shit is wild.

An instant later i felt the pressure of his fingers framing my chin as he lifted my head up to meet his gaze. "How you holding up?" He asked. Not what I was expecting.

I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. "Good." I replied, because that was the only thing that came to mind.
Pops nodded, then shoved his hands into his pocket.

"Aight So first things first, you're out." Pops said unceremoniously, making my eyes widen in shock.

"What you mean out? Outta what?"

"You're out of the game boy, Ricardo too."

"Wait what? Nah pops, i..."

"My decision is final, save your breath!" My dad snapped, raising his voice a little. He stopped, then took a deep breath. "Are you willing to choose the game over the boy you love? Because I'll tell you this, if i had the option to give all these shit up to be with..." he trailed off. "Look, this right here, this is it for me. The game and my kids is all I have, all I'm ever gon have. But you've got the opportunity to have way more and you're damn sure gon take it."