Behind the Scenes

Chapter 32: Hope Is the Thing with Feathers

"I'm thinking about the future," Ming says.

They're lying side by side, only their shoulders touching, making murmured conversation too low to be heard even by sharp-eared Kieng if he's still lurking. It's just idle winding-down talk to soothe them into a much-needed sleep, or so Kit thought—Ming's impressions of his family, their memories of when they first saw each other in high school. Little things.

But now this.

"What about it?" Kit asks with some trepidation.

"I've been thinking what to do to become the best fit as an in-law of this family. I want your family to accept me and let me be your boyfriend."

Ming is so earnest and heartfelt. He genuinely worries about this, Kit realizes—about how to sway Kit's family so they can be together openly, sparing Kit the pain of familial disapproval and rejection. His determination to protect Kit unleashes a flood of tender feelings that he is in no way equipped to handle with his family ten steps away down the hall.

"Aren't you thinking too far ahead?" he chides. I think you should worry about the near future."

Ming lights up. "You said it!"

"What?"

"Get up! Come on!"

"What? What did I say?" Baffled, Kit wonders if he's actually asleep and dreaming. Nothing else seems to explain the galvanizing effect of his words on Ming, who is urging him up—practically dragging him up—from his comfortable supine position, maneuvering Kit to sit cross-legged facing him instead. "What the hell, Ming? What are you doing?"

"You said I should talk about the near future first," Ming says. He tucks the disarrayed duvet more comfortably around Kit's lap with a fond pat to his knee before continuing. "So I will. I will talk to you frankly, P'Kit, without ceremony. The ring can be ordered later," he jokes, earning himself an eyeroll and a slap on his own knee from Kit.

"Talk, then," Kit grumbles. "And try to get to the point before sunrise, please? I'm tired."

Ming smiles then, sweet and open and, as always, so goddamn handsome that it makes Kit's stomach clench. Even in the dim illumination afforded by the bathroom nightlight and the waxing moon outside, Ming's masculine beauty is almost too much for him. Looking too long at Ming is always hazardous but it's doubly dangerous after an emotionally fraught day. It makes Kit weak and tender, filling his head with soft words and softer feelings.

He might need to initiate sex just to be sure none of them escape.

"Do you remember what we talked about at the beach?" Ming prompts. "When I asked you what the Moon thinks of the Earth?"

Kit cocks his head, seeing it in his mind's eye. That had been another fraught day, with two sexual milestones and an ugly argument between them. "Yeah. I do remember. Why?"

"And can you remember your answer?"

"I said the Earth must be very important to the Moon," Kit recalls, paraphrasing himself. "So important that if there was no Earth, the Moon would not even exist."

He feels fingertips brush his ankle, a barely-there touch.

"Kit," Ming says softly, "you are my Earth."

The room is so quiet Kit can hear his own startled intake of breath. He's surprised he can't hear his heartbeat. It should echo in the room like thunder, so violently does his heart first leap and then hammer wildly in his chest.

You are my Earth. How can he say that? Who says that?

You are my Earth. Kit looks left of Ming, right, down, past him, anywhere but directly into his eyes. His own eyes sting with tears that he refuses to shed.

You are my Earth.

But Ming isn't done. "Please be my boyfriend?"

"Ming." Kit is going to fuck this up, he knows it. He presses his other hand atop Ming's, which is gently pressing his own. He doesn't want to hurt this boy. His boy. But is he brave enough to take what he's being offered?

He's not ready. All these weeks have been leading inevitably to this moment, kiss by kiss and touch by touch, and he's still not ready. But it's too late. The question has been asked and now it hangs there in the air, waiting to be answered.

Ming deserves an answer.

"You...are you sure?" is all Kit can manage at first. "I'm not a nice guy. You know I'm not."

"So what?"

"I am...not a lovable person," Kit continues, thinking not lovable like you. "I don't even know how to be loved. I don't have a clue how to kiss and make up. I'm outspoken, I'm foul-mouthed, and I—I'm not a sweet guy, Ming! I'm not—"

Not like you, I'm not like you, I'm not what you deserve.

"I already know," Ming says. His voice is so gentle, so fond, that it cracks something inside of Kit. "Kit. My Kitty. If I couldn't take who you really are, I would've given up on you long ago."

If I couldn't take who you really are...

It's all over then. The poor cracked thing inside of Kit breaks wide open—he feels it break—and everything he's held so fiercely locked away surges to joyful fluttering life in his chest, ready to burst free into the sunlight. Well, moonlight in this case.

There's no going back from this. He's lost. He's...succumbed.

He's Kit Intochar, though, so goddammit he's still going to fight it all the way.

"Are you really sure?" he demands of Ming.

Ming nods confidently.

"Really? "

"Yes."

"Are you certain?"

Ming shows his first sign of impatience then, attempting to pull his hands away from Kit's. "I'm going to sleep now," he sighs.

Kit pulls him back. "Kidding," he mutters, patting Ming by way of apology. And after a moment's silence he adds, "Yeah. OK."

Ming eyes him with mingled hope and suspicion. "About what?"

"Uh. Being your boyfriend?"

The hope blooms into exultation. "Really? Kitty, really?"

Thankfully there's no time to pause and be terrified by his own words, because the instant Kit nods his agreement he has to act immediately to shush Ming's exuberant and far too loud cry of " Yay!"

And for fuck's sake, apparently he's just committed himself to an honest-to-god puppy, because even with a hand clapped over his mouth Ming is so happy he wriggles.

"Shh!" Kit hisses. "Be quiet, you're gonna wake other people up!"

"Yay!" Ming repeats the instant Kit removes his hand, but sotto voce this time. "You said it!"

"Yep. God help me." But Kit can't hold back a shy smile, because whatever has broken free inside him is every bit as exultant as Ming. Just quieter about it. But if he can't shout a "Yay!" of his own, he can at least lean forward and put his arms around Ming's waist, resting his head on the solid warmth of Ming's chest.

"I'm tired of acting cool to you, Ming," he admits.

Ming's arms come around him too, strong and familiar, and he feels a soft kiss brush the top of his head. "Thank you," Ming whispers.

Kit swallows hard against all the feelings fighting to be spoken. "Thank you too," is all he says when he sits up again, "for accepting me the way I am."

After Ming's lips brush his forehead, though, and when Ming draws back again with his beautiful tawny eyes shining like a child's on Christmas, a few more words escape Kit unbidden.

"Ming," he says, "I love you."