Welcome to my Life

I think im a terrible person who deserves death

Hi, I am back now. Anyways-

After a failed suicide attempt, not telling anyone, I decide to do art more often. I'm not very good at it, but I'd say for the age of 13, I was a lot more advanced than most kids my age. I also pushed myself into more musical/theater. My school doesn't offer any of those things so it's hard to learn new things about it when there is no one to teach you. But I strive to work as much as I can on that.

Later on I get a math competition against my fellow classmates. I win. I go to a lil competition at a college near where I lived where I competed with other kids. I only went for pizza ngl. I'm so happy I did bc I met this awesome girl there. She was fun to talk to and really pretty lol. I instantly started liking her. We kept contact afterward (we did poorly on the tests bc we really didn't care).

She is easy to talk to, honestly so ducking beautiful, and then I find out, she likes me?
This doesn't sound too weird to some people but to me it's more of a "WHAT THE FUC??" Moment. I hate myself, no lie there, but seeing someone actually has feelings for me? Even if it's small, knowing that someone finds me tolerable or even....attractive is so shocking to me. We are gonna call her Mandy (not real name)

I have body dysphoria (dysmorphia?) and got shit self esteem. But I really like this girl and we agreed to date once we get our parents to get along enough to let us hang out. Of course they wouldn't know we were dating but whatever.

But here is my dilemma.
This is risky to put out there considering someone I know might read this.
But I don't even care anymore.
There is this other girl......don't call me a douche just yet, I promise we aren't dating or Anything. We are gonna call her Donna. (Not real name)

Ok so, this Donna is basically one of my best friends....and I kinda sorta fell in love with her. I said that in the last chapter but ima day it again-she didn't feel the same way about me. Now a normal person would just be like "ok whatever." But the thing is-I mentally have feelings so much more amplified then a normal person should. (Long sorry for another time)

Anyways so-she was all I could think about...for 2 years. First though when I wake up. Last when I went to sleep. I seen her as my muse. So beautiful, so amazing, so perfect. I cried over her. And I've since repressed those feelings. But any time I see her, I feel like I'm being crushed. And I feel guilty whenever I flirt with the Mandy, bc i don't know if I'm really over Donna.

My feelings are still there for sure, and I do really like Mandy, but my feelings are stronger for Donna. But I've given up on her. My feelings are still stuck on her, but I know it isn't happening. And it hurts so bad. I keep trying to repress those feelings, so that I can be with Mandy, but I can't help but think about Donna. I don't want to hurt Mandy. And I really do like Mandy. I want to be with her. But it feels like I would be cheating on her, if I still have feelings for donna.

I don't want Mandy to be a 'second choice.' She doesn't deserve that. She is such an amazing person who deserves the world. And I don't want to be the one to hurt her. I don't want Donna to be a demon that haunts me either. I know it's not gonna happen. Anytime I talk to Mandy, Donna May linger. In the back of my mind. And I don't want that. I want to be with Mandy. I can't stress enough how terrible I feel. I feel like a horrible person thinking about a 'what if' when there is someone right there in front of me. Someone who deserves so much better.

I feel as if I'm leading her on. Even tho I do really liked her. I know I'm basically repeating the same thing over and over again, and I know that if Mandy reads this-she will either hate me, or be hurt. I don't want to hurt her. But I feel like I'm lying to her at the same time.
But I want to have a relationship with her too. So bad. I just don't wanna fuck it up with some unwanted feelings that haven't tested yet.

To anyone reading this....am I a bad person?
I know I don't deserve Mandy. I don't deserve anyone tbh, but....am I a bad person? Any advice?

Let me know if I'm a douche. I don't want to be one, but if I am, I would like to know.

Disclaimer:
This is merely a diary of my lifetime. It will update, to give more information involving my life. I am not to give any accurate names/places due to having no faith in humanity, and fear bc I have overwhelming anxiety. I don't care if you read or not. I just need to put my story out there bc I find it as a sense of relief. Please don't be hateful or compare my life to others. This is merely a vent, and I hope everyone who does actually read this crap stays respectful.

Yeet.