The Black Swan | Reposted

Chapter 24 - Determination

For the past few days, I was putting in over ten hours a day in my dances. I was going and going and going. I couldn't stop. I hit thirty, thirty fouettes. I needed to make this happen. I needed the role not just for my mom, but for me, to prove that this is my spot. This is why I was here. That my mommy didn't buy me in and my last name on my application didn't get me the principle spot I carried.

It was clear Harry was gunning for the male lead, because he was off in his own studio, working so hard, blasting that music. I knew he'd get it, I completely knew. He would have that enthusiasm, strength. It fit. I had no idea if I could cut it; I truly had no idea if I would get this chance. The weight on my shoulders grew, and I had no idea when I would get crushed.

"Let's see how you're doing," Vincent smiled at me. He was so reassuring and kind in his words, confident in me. It still did not bring me comfort. It only made me more nervous. "Run a piece from the earlier acts, the White Queen,"

I nodded, and he started playing music. It was just he and I in the room, and while I danced he was smiling happily. It filled me with a bit of confidence, this was the main man I had to impress to get this role. I had to make him happy.

"That's great; you are the epitome of the Swan Queen."

"Really?" I smiled back, feeling my heart race.

"Really, show me the Black Swan, Odile."

I nodded and he switched the song, and I started to dance. I wasn't doing the fouettes I didn't want him to count me out just yet. He wasn't smiling, he had this expression the entire time I danced for him on his face.

I stopped and took a breath. "Something bad?"

"No, no, keep on working Odette."

He got up and walked out. I felt sick. Why did he look at me like that? I shook it off and I kept dancing and dancing, till very late. Vincent came in and wished me a good night, I wanted to catch him and ask what he meant earlier. I started out a few moments after him, opening the door when I heard him speaking to a fellow choreographer.

"What do you think about Ricci?"

"She's talented, so talented. She is the perfect White Queen, I mean perfect. She is that role."

"Then what about the Black Swan?"

"She's not it." I felt my heart drop at Vincents words. "She has no sensuality, she's not dark, and she is always the sweet girl, girl next door. She's type cast, she fell into that trap. I know for a fact, even if she nails the fouettes, which I'm sure she will, I can't cast her. I won't. Harry transforms from first to the last act, I know he will do so well. I don't have any faith in Odette. She has no inch of black in her heart, not even a sliver to make it come alive. It'd be so artificial."

"Have you considered splitting it in half? I mean, a lot of productions have two separate dancers from the White to Black Queens."

"I've thought about it, but I can't do it to Odette. She'll be humiliated, she's good enough for one role but not the other?" he shook his head. "I know Odette; she'd rather have all or nothing. It's such a shame, to have two incredibly young principle dancers highlighted in such a powerhouse of a ballet would have brought in so much to the Company."

"What the fuck do you think her mother will do?"

"I don't know, I can't spend my life tip toeing around the Great Mia. I can't. Her daughter can't make the cut, she raised her too weak. We all know Mia was as black in the heart as they come, of course she made such a great manipulative Black Queen."

They both chuckled and walked out. My back hit the wall and I slid down it, sobbing into my hands. It was all I could think to do, it felt like I got hit in the stomach.

What did they know about my mom? Did everyone fucking know about her but me? I wasn't cut out for it? I was weak? What would I do? How could I stand being off on the sidelines at the biggest, I mean biggest production of the year? This was breaking my heart.

"What are you doing?"

I jumped, seeing Harry sweaty, wearing a baggy shirt and sweats, hair pulled back.

"I'm not going to get cast." I hiccupped, my head falling into my hands.

"You don't know that; don't be such a cry baby."

"Vincent said," I got up and wiped my eyes. 'I have no sensuality, I'm not dark. He said that I'm sweet, and that I don't have any black in my heart. He said that my mom raised me weak and that she had a black heart." I choked. 'What the fuck am I going to do? This is all I want. I want this role damn it!" I stormed into the studio, staring at my reflection. "In the back of my mind, all my life, I wondered if I earned my place in this world of dance, in these shoes. Now? Now I'm not going to get my chance to prove that I have real talent because I'm too sweet? This isn't fair! You have the part and I don't. I hate this."

"Stop being nice, stop fucking crying and fight for it. Get pissed off."

"I'm so mad!"

"But you're crying!" He shouted, not having any of it. "Buck up! You're a grown woman. You want this part? You want to prove them wrong? Stop crying, stop running to your mommy and put your big girl tights on. Fucking lock yourself in this room, until you can't feel your legs and your feet are bleeding."

"It's not that I can't execute it all, I almost have all the fouettes down. It's about the fact that I don't know how to come off like the Black Swan. I don't know how. I'm not dark, he says if I faked it it'd be so artificial."

"Get dark and get there fast if you want the role. Get angry. Dance like you did with me, that was dark, that was intense. You have to dance like that to Vincent if you want him to even consider you."

"I want this so bad." I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Then do whatever you have to do to get it."

"I don't like the way that sounds. It sounds like my mother is unraveling around me, it sounds like she did that. I don't want to be anything like her anymore."

"Good. You want nothing of her. Don't be her. Be you Odette."

I wiped my eyes. "I'm going to get this."

"Then get it." He turned and walked out, ice cold, but he was right. He was totally right. I heard what Vincent wanted, and was damn sure to give it to him.