Affliction

Teaser (preview)

A knock on the door. A pause and then three loud knocks.

I open the door without looking up.

"Look, Lana-." he begins. I look up. Two hazel eyes stare into mine.

"Oh god... are you okay?" He asks, clearly conserned. I laugh realizing how ridicilous I look. Mascara smeared all over my light green eyes, my chocolate hair in a messy bun, blood dripping from my bare wrists .

He grabs my arm, looking at the fresh blood on my wrist, his face in shock.

"No" I say with no emotion, looking straight into his eyes. A shock runs through me. I obviously scared him to death.

"Lana..?" He asks looking straight into my eyes.

"Leave" I say smiling, like a complete bitch.

"Fuck you." He spits at me pushing the concern back, hurt.

"Spence..." I say, regretting what I said

He walks away shutting the door and I fall down, head in my knees. Hot tears falling down my face.

Why?

Why did I have to hurt him again?

All he wanted was to help me.

I screwed up again.

So I go upstairs into the bathroom and pick up my razor making a fresh cut on my wrist. I need to feel something. I deserve pain, I hurt everyone I love.

It hurts so good.

Then something clicks in me and I suddenly realize what I've just done. I realize how much I just hurt Spencer. All he wanted was to care for me and be there, but I screwed up again.

I drop the razor and hurry down the stairs again silently praying that he's still there. I open the door, cold air making it easier to breath.

"Spence!" I yell at his car, the sound of my voice surprising me.

He looks out the window to see me standing in shorts and a tank top while it's no more than 20 degrees outside.

He exits his car and runs up to me, "Lana-" he begins to say and I kiss him,

I kiss him hard and passionate wrapping my legs around him, hands in his hair, blood from my wrists now on his neck. And he kisses me back, carrying me inside, laying me down on the kitchen table and quickly taking his jacket and shirt off. His warm skin against mine. He pulls my blue tank over my head revealing my bare chest, we kiss again and he starts kissing my neck so hard that I almost collapse right there, but something clicks in him and he stops. "Lana.." He whispers, like he regrets this and like this is wrong, and I too realize that it is. It's rushed and fake. I don't want it to happen like this; but I manage to push the thoughts aside. "Keep going" I breathe ignoring him and myself. I need to feel better.

He stops kissing me and looks at me as if he's totally disgusted by what hes doing, then quickly puts his shirt on runs towards the door grabbing his jacket off the floor. I run after him, arms crossed over my chest to cover my breasts.

Our eyes meet.

"Stay safe" he says calmly, his beautiful hazel eyes burning into mine and walks out shutting the door behind him.

That night I dream of her. 

I dream of her freckles, her blonde hair, and her light blue eyes. 

Her lips curved in a sweet smile.

Her hair in the wind. 

I dream of doors, doors closing, doors opening, doors shutting, her happy voice telling me that she's fine, and my head by her's as we lay in a field of red flowers, so different from each other. Some smell like her, some like me.

I woke up thinking about her.

People do not just die like that, I think.

She's just playing a dumb prank on me.

And for a second it seemed true. And for a second I chose to believe it. And for that same second everything feels good again, everything is okay, until I remember the reality.

'Lana, I'm fine' Her words replaying in my mind.

She wasn't fine. It's all my fault, I screwed up, and I killed her, I killed her, I killed her. She died because of me. I screwed everything up. I suddenly felt disgusted with myself. I deserve to take her place. Ellie. Her name rang in my head.

My only sister. Dead.