Thoughts to Ponder

(1) Flawed

Do you feel empty? That kind of feeling that your heart seems too shallow and too numb, thus you could no longer feel pain but your heart seems to shatter.
It's confusing right? Yes, it is because I'm confused and fucked up on something.

Since then, I could  not express my desires. All you can get from me are all "yes". That's why I have many regrets, too many hidden what ifs in my life. Like, "what if I held longer?" "What if I gave it all?" and many more questions that I cannot fathom myself.
Those questions are disturbing me every night because I knew I cannot go back to the past. Inorder for me to change it.
Yes, it may be too impossible. Indeed a very impossible possibilities but here I am thinking those thoughts all over again.

Fun fact, I'm not true to myself. I hate lies and liars. But here I am, lying to myself. I now end up living my pet peeve all along. Thus, that's why ended up losing my true self. When will be this dilemma of mine ends? I'm afraid of the outcome. I'm scared enough that at the end of this battle, I'm no longer me.

I have almost everything. A complete family. Real friends. I have enough support system thus, I can buy my wants and needs. But amidst to that, I am still lacking...incomplete...not contented on what I have.
How ungrateful that could be?

Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way because of this reason.
Somehow you will find this reason, a petty one. But the hell I care.

Here it is,  to be honest the reason why I didn't have a long-lasting relationship because it's not that they don't deserve me but it's the other way around. Yes I overthink a lot.  But, I will not tell them my feelings because once I'm attached to someone. All that I could think of is that, I should be perfect in their eyes. I should not give them problems. Thus, I avoid problems and arguments while were a thing. So I tend to lose my true identity. That is why in the end, I keep questioning myself. Am I doing the right thing? Do I have to adjust for his sake? And disregard mine? Then by that, I could not handle my thoughts anymore. So I tend to do the easiest way. To leave. To escape. What a coward girl you got there?

Hence, that made me a silent insecure hypocrite bitch. Beware.

| C.N |