Chapter 5

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Noah offered to drive me to his place after we had finished hanging out, if that's what we are calling it now. I was a little hesitant because driving home with a guy is a little, iffy. But I agreed since my mom couldn't pick me up for another half hour and I didn't feel like waiting. She could pick me up from his house.

We sat in silence mostly while we drove, listening to the radio. He was so focused on the road it was kind of cute. The sun was hitting his face just right so his cheekbones were highlighted perfectly and his eyes were radiant and beautiful. God he was hot. He was so commanding and stern. He looked so more mature than he actually was, he was dirty ad sick minded and juvenile. He was a player and came on so strong and made you think that kissing him was for the greater good. He was a terrible flirt.

But he looked like he could have come right out of a playboy magazine. He looked like a man. A hot man that gets what he wants. Someone you feel safe around and you don't want to leave his side. I don't want to leave his side. I want to stay with him forever.

But I know that will never happen. I know that sometime I will have to leave him and it will kill me. I know that I won't be able to breathe because he is the reason I breathe. He didn't used to be. He used to be some random guy that started talking to me. Nothing more, nothing less. But now everything has changed. We go closer and closer as time went by and I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. I didn't mean to. I didn't wan't to. But I did.

I thought I could handle pretending with him without getting attached, but it didn't work. I fell. I got attached. I am attached. I can't help it. No matter what I do. I want to stay as friends with benefits I guess that's what we are.

"You ok?" Noah asked.

"Um, yeah why wouldn't I be?" I replied.

"You have been staring at the window not saying a word since we left, what are you thinking about?"

"Mm.. Nothing."

"Really? Well I doubt that." He said with a wink.

"Yeah I'm just thinking about... Whatever it doesn't matter."

"Then why are you thinking abou it?"

Jesus he won't quit will he? I guess I will either have to lie or tell him the truth. I don't want to lie so here it goes I guess. Oh God pray for me.

"Well it's just, we have been playing around trying to keep up the image that we are dating, and I sort of got caught up in it and, well... I am not really playing anymore. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't kiss you without feeling something. It's imposible cause you're so fucking hot and sweet and amazing and I can't be just friends with you while kissing you the entire time we are at school. I want to have a normal, official relationship or nothing at all, I guess. To be honest, I don't know what I want. All I know is that I want to be with you, but I want what we have to be real."

Ok so now I am gonna go throw up because I just poured my heart out and I don't know what he's thinking and I am freaking out and I am gonna be sick oh my God.

He just sat there. Why isn't he saying anything? Did I freak him out? Does he feel the same way? Does he hate me now? Oh God what did I do?

He stared at the road. He looked like he was thinking over what I just said. He was taking a long time. He took a deep breathe, as if he was going to say something, but then he didn't. I looked over at him and he had the same expression on his face as when I first started talking. I was getting nervous. I didn't know what to assume.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked trying to sounds casual.

"Mm... Nothing."

"Really? Well I doubt that." I winked. This was painfully ironic.

"Well..." he started, "I don't really know where that came from." ouch.

"I guess I thought that we hat we had was platonic. I tried to keep it that way because I was afraid I guess of what it could become. The thing is, I am afraid of you. I am afraid because you have the power to break my heart. You have me wrapped around your finger and I am scared that someday you aren't gonna need me anymore. Honestly, I feel like, me protecting you at school and pretending that we are a couple isn't just for you, it's for me too. I want to keep you safe. I want to be the only person that kisses you the way I do. I want to be the only one that looks at you the way I look at you. I want you to be mine and no one else's."

Woah. I wasn't expecting that. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it more than anything, but I wasn't expecting it at all.

"So what now?"

"What do you mean?" He asked as we pulled into his driveway.

"Well we both just kind of confessed our feelings for each other. We can't just go about our lives without doing something about it. So I'm asking what we shold do now? About us?"

He had that look on his face that made it seem ike he had a plan. But he didn't do anything. He unbuckled his seat belt and looked at me.

"Come on." He said and motioned to follow him.

"I want to show you something." He said as we went inside.

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