In Every Heartbeat

5

The retreating thrum of the elevator told Jiwon that Gail was leaving. He waited a while longer then wheeled himself slowly out of the bedroom. The sanctuary where he and Junhoe had spent many hours, lying in bed, talking and sharing memories from their childhood. It was also where Jiwon had proposed to Junhoe one month after making their relationship official. Rather than flashing that beaming smile so reminiscent of summer, Junhoe had broke down crying. At first, Jiwon thought he had been touched, but when his tears did not taper off, Jiwon became alarmed.

"Love? What's wrong?" Jiwon asked, wheeling closer to him as he crumpled to the floor, sobbing recklessly now. "Junhoe?" He cried for almost ten minutes. Jiwon sitting beside him, caressing his hair.

"I'm sorry Jiwon. I should have told you." He sputtered when he finally calmed down.

"Told me what, love?" Jiwon coaxed. When Junhoe told him, Jiwon felt his world come crashing down on him. He had always thought that the accident was the worst thing that had ever happened in his life. It was not. Not by a long shot.

The paper Junhoe had handed to him was proof of this. It took awhile for the dust to settle and when they finally laid down in bed, Junhoe resting his head against Jiwon's chest, the silence that filled their world seemed ominous.

"I must have mentioned having a brother who was paraplegic when we first met, didn't I?" Junhoe asked. Jiwon nodded, kissing the top of his head, inhaling the sweet scent of his shampoo and not willing to accept a world that would someday has no Junhoe in it. "Junse was my twin. I'm older than him by four minutes. We were premature and we lost our mother on the operating table the day we were born." Junhoe recounted, not without a tinge of bitterness in his deep voice. "Tough luck, huh?" Junhoe added. "We were both in NICU for two weeks. Junse's spinal cords did not fuse and the doctor diagnosed him with cerebral palsy. I, on the other hand, was diagnosed with congenital heart disease. In the lottery of misfortunes, me and Junse lucked out so bad, it was a miracle we even survived adulthood." He mused.

"Your father looked after you?" Jiwon asked, loving the silk of Junhoe's hair against his lips.

"He tried his best. We were both in and out of the hospital from the get-go. He held on as long as he could. He passed on when we were sixteen. Lung cancer. He was a closet smoker. Never smoked in front of us, but he smelt like tar. Still he was a good father. " Junhoe recounted.

"When did Junse passed on?" Jiwon asked.

"Last year." Junhoe's voice became nothing more than a whisper now. Jiwon, caressed his hair, feeling his pain underneath the boom of his laughter and the brilliance of his smiles. "He got tired of me taking care of him. He overdosed on sleeping pills."

"I'm sorry, love." Jiwon whispered, wondering why he ever felt that life was unfair before, when it was fucking him so badly now.

"I've always looked after my health, because I never wanted anyone to think I am weak due to my condition. But that last visit..." Junhoe began and then trailed off.

"How long?" Jiwon asked the question that he had dreaded, but needed to know.

"One year, fourteen months at the most." Junhoe looked up, gazing at Jiwon.

"Then say yes." Jiwon said now. Junhoe sat up, shaking his head equivocally.

"No. It's not fair to you!" He protested. Jiwon grabbed his hands before he could go farther than he can reach.

"Is life ever fair to us? What is fair anyway? I love you, irregardless! Marry me! Make me the happiest man before you turn me into the most miserable creature in existence." Jiwon persisted, pushed, never wanting to let go until Junhoe agreed.

It was ironic that Junhoe's condition worsened once Jiwon knew about it. Within a month after they officially married, Junhoe started losing weight in an alarming manner. At Jiwon's insistence, they travelled to America, trying to find the best treatment for his condition. After almost half a year of travelling, Junhoe wanted to return home, realising how futile it was. His appetite suffered and twice, while exercising he went into cardiac arrest. The last one made him bedridden for half a month.

Jiwon became moody, angry again.

The elevator door thrummed, breaking into Jiwon's reverie. He looked expectantly as it came to a stop. Chanwoo walked in. He was surprisingly not dressed in his suit. He looked pretty casual in a sweatshirt and denims.

"Where are you?" He asked loudly. Jiwon spun around at the familiar sound coming from the studio and it was then that he realised that the whole house had been emptied out and a scatter of packed boxes had been piled near the elevator.

"Here. Just saying my last farewells." Junhoe's voice, that deep, husky drawl Jiwon held so dear came from behind the boxes. Junhoe sighed, teary-eyed, opening an untaped box, placing a roll of microphone wires inside. Jiwon wheeled himself towards the love of his life, through the large boxes that hid Junhoe from his sight, through Junhoe himself as he came from around the corner wrapped into Chanwoo's arms.

"Ah~you were crying again." Chanwoo rebuked him, softly kissing one tear-stained cheek.

Junhoe! Jiwon's mind screamed in panic, wheeling back into the boxes, spinning through the sideboard that had once held his trophies from award shows and was now empty. He held his hands out and they passed through the walls. No! No! What was happening to him? What was going...and then just like that, his memory, that had been nothing, but a vague passing cloud cleared up and he remember everything that happened as he faded into a ray of nothingness.