Awkward Moments

God, Am I Selfish? 12.25.2014

Let me first define what I have leanred selfish to be: putting yourself before others, making sacrafices on your desires. But that's only the definition I put on others. For me, it's bot even wanting what I want and  not expressing what's on my mind. 

I' going to let everyonein on a little secret of mine. Sometimes I just talk to myself. Actually, I don't even know if I talk to myself. I could be talking to God, who knows? Anyway, I often ask (whoever's listening) if I'm selfish. I don't think I am but I can't help but get the feeling that others think I am.

This Saturday was supposed to be my ice skating trip. I was really looking forward to it because even if I'm walking into my death sentence or permanent butt paralysis (if that's a real thing, most likely not), I really wanted to ice skate. It seemed like something everybody did bat least once except for me.

I was supposed to go with a mentor of mine and my sister said she would accompany. My sister's a little too over protective so I wasn't exactly sure I wanted my sister to come with me. (I can imagine her pulling me off the ice the second I stepped foot on it!) But I then got excited that se would be accompanying me. She's almost seven years older than me and there's much didtance between us even if we do talk at home, on a personal level. But it's still not the same. I feel like she gives more attention to her friends, the attention I yearn for. But when I told her my trip was this Saturday, she turned me down because she's going to wisit one of her friends. Of course I was upset. But I somehow knew that it was too good to be true. So that left my mom to come with me. Not better but I can deal with it.

But then my mom got a phone call from her old friends inviting us all to a "get together" at her house. Sorry for saying this, but my mom could've rejected me better instead of telling me that she will go to her friend's house and no one will stop her. I at first considered my mom to be selfish for a second. But then I thought back to all the times she blamed me (indirectly of course but still blatantly) for her not having any fun anymore. I was given the burden of carrying hse harsh words and so I thoguht I owed my mom this much. But I have let her have fun. She's the only on who restricted herself. 

I still consider myself to be selfish to want what I want. But am I really wrong. I'm still so young and I don;t have som many resposibilities so is it not the time to be a little selfish? Everyone, not lony my parents, have letothers be selfish, and have been selfish themselves. But when it's my turn, I have to become the saint and I have to be the goddess of righteousness and sacrafice. But it's okay. I have always been the silent spectator. I have always been the on to observe and understand. They don't have this gift of mine so I'm okay to sacrafice.