The 2012 Survival Guide: How not to die by Paula Griffin.
Chapter 1: Don’t trust Canadians
Well, im not a “survivalist” perse, but more of a “realist” and someone who believes heavily in the boy scout theme - “be prepared!” I actually attended a British version of the American “boy scouts" during which I received the humiliating title of "brownie" and found out I had to address my female leader as "Brown owl" which I felt, even at the tender age of eight, was very messed up. I did not understand the term - "sexist," at that tender age, but I soon realized the "brownies" were rampant with it.
We were trained in what they determined at the time, were the “female arts of survival” which seemed to consist of strange "life saving skills" such as: being polite, sewing, crafting, and accumulating useless "brownie badges" that we sewed on our stylish brown shirts, for such achievements as selling and baking cookies and similar things of that “feminine” nature. Our whole purpose was to cover our shirts with these badges which in retrospect, I see was very sad indeed.
These feminine "survival skills" certainly wouldnt help me, or any female in a life or death situation and I envied the boy scouts, tremendously, they were prepared, for anything, it seemed. Boy scouts were far more my style. Boy scouts ruled all the way, but then again, I always was a “tom boy” and no, im not lesbian...not that theres anything wrong with that....
Its a good thing I was kidnapped by Sasquatch in the hills of British Columbia. I learned how to survive in the most unusual and shocking situations, but you will need to read on and learn more about my days with the missing link..
Note to self: On second thought, sewing myself clothes made out of deer skin, and crafting adobe huts will also be very practical, when my every day modern clothes start to fall away and I have nowhere to take refuge, as Im fighting for my very life and existence in 2012.
2012 will be our demise. As the Mayan calendar predicts supported by all the crazy fatalistic American survivalists. No, im not one of them. I differ in the fact that im more creative, skilled and will be doing more than stock piling gatorade or digging holes in my back yard. Im gonna want to know, as im sure most of you will too, about how to use guns, make a cross bow, growing my own food, healing, medicine, home surgery, identifying enemy from friend, building adobe huts, weaving your own flag and perhaps a kilt to mark out your family clan, and even things like home-made bomb made from found objects etc. You can never be too prepared. I want to know if I can live in the back woods of Canada, my country, without being attacked and perhaps raped by natives or weird folk, and some simple basic martial art moves that will save my life and those of my family. I mean, Im sure im not the only one that thinks of these things, especially with 2012 coming so close, and with all these other survival books and guides coming out, mainly about surviving the Zombie scourge which is truly insane. I don’t believe in the living dead. IF we find ourselves dead, were pretty much screwed, but you dont need my book to tell you that
My Guide is to prevent that from happening. I thought I would put together a much more concise ensemble of practical, yet realistic survival tips that we seriously need to use in the very near and eminent, future, not just against zombies ( if the dead do rise), but back water red necks, crazed crack heads who can no longer get high, gangs of house pets who have gone into pack mentality (I watch “Life after people”), including wild teenagers, and just plain insane birds who may go into “attack mode” like in the Hitchcock movies. These may be a very real proposition considering all the "fall out" in the air, soil and water assuming it will be some kind of nuclear, biological god knows what attack. We have a very eminent apocalypse breathing down our neck, that is going to leave us all fighting for our lives and the survival of our fucked up race that we call humanity. I mean, sure we did this to ourselves, but I endeavor to be one of the noble survivors, who helps us bail our asses out, with girl power, kung fu chops and homemade cross bows! I believe in the power of the ovary, so should you.
