Until Forever

Part 1 - Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

 

Dazed and confused, Bidam slowly walked towards his mother’s shrine to seek solace. Upon entering the quiet structure he lit a few candles and sat down before Lady Mishil’s painted image. He had long ago come to terms with her abandonment, had even forgiven her and understood her motives for doing so, and he had already made her peace with her. In fact, he felt closer to her now than when she was alive. The instructions she left for him with Gen. Seolwon, her second husband, was enough to heal the emotional wounds that she had inflicted on him. Strange as it may seem, considering how she never really acknowledged him publicly, that last message bound him to her and her legacy. His newfound bond with the mother he barely knew had given him the strength to deal with his disappointments and he would often come here when events became too unbearable for he always found peace in her presence. And so now when his emotions were warring with his intellect, he sat before her image and tried to search for the answers he could not find within himself.

He felt confused and bewildered by the words of Her Majesty. He did not know what to think or how to digest the Queen’s revelation. What does she really want from me? Is she telling me that I am too dangerous to keep around her, that unlike before I bring nothing but pain to her now? What must I do? What if she asks me to leave her?

            “Bidam.”

            The sound of the Queen’s voice startled him. She had never entered his mother’s shrine before and he felt that only a very urgent matter could have brought her into this place which he knew she abhorred. He quickly rose to greet her but he could not look directly at her, afraid that he would find the answers in her eyes.

            “Your Majesty,” he said, bowing before her in formal greeting.

            The Queen did not move and remained rooted at the foot of the dais. Her heart was pounding inside her chest, unsure if she was doing the right thing.

            “I want you to stay with me, be the one who’s always at my side” she said.

            Bidam suddenly looked up, surprised by the Queen’s words. He did not want to think ahead of himself and unduly raise his hopes up for he could not work out what the Queen really meant, if it was personal or just political. He was still trying to unravel her meaning when he noticed that her hands were tightly clenched at her sides, an indication that she was desperately trying to control them from shaking. It was a clear sign of her distress and he felt his heart go out to her. This time, however, he did not hesitate and came immediately to her. He took her shaking hands and gently rubbed them the way that he used to. It always helped to calm and comfort her.

            The Queen looked at their clasped hands and finally, she said what her heart had long wanted to say.

            “I need someone who will not be like everyone else, not a mere subject who will make me more nervous and lonely. I need someone who will hold my hands when they’re shaking, someone who will calm the demons inside me.  And you must be the one to do it for me. I need the Bidam who used to wink at me whenever I’m nervous, the old Bidam who used to tease me and make me laugh whenever I’m sad. The Bidam I knew who constantly worried about me and brought me comfort. I need you, Bidam.” In more ways than you’ll ever know.

            Bidam looked up and saw her sad eyes, pleading for understanding.

            “I tried so hard to stop it. I purposely suppressed my feelings because I thought that such frivolity does not suit a ruler. But the harder I tried, the more difficult it has become and now I can no longer deny it,” she said, “You’re the only one who continued to treat me like a human being and not just a symbol of this nation. You’re the only one who loved me as a person, as a woman; and I love you for that. I just am not so sure if I should or if I am allowed to do that.”

            Bidam’s heart pounded against his chest, bursting with ecstasy for these were the very words he so longed to hear from her. He looked into her eyes and saw the sincerity of her words. Slowly, tentatively, he pulled the Queen closer to him and held her tight. He was pleased when she did not push him away but instead returned his embrace with a fervour that allayed all his fears.

           

 The following day, the Queen summoned all courtiers and ministers to a meeting. She informed them that she had several announcements to make. The war with Baekje was not progressing favourably. Their troops were still fighting to save the kingdom and, if possible, regain their stolen lands. It was imperative, therefore, to strengthen their military presence at the front.

            After greeting the assembled men, she took the scroll placed before her and read, “By royal decree, I am replacing Lord Yong Chun as Sangdaedung[1] and appointing Lord Bidam to take his place. Since we are still at war, I also order the troops under Lords Jujin, Sueulbu, Ho Jae, Hwang Yun & Seon Yeol to be transferred to the Board of Military Affairs under the direct supervision of the Prime Minister.”

            The gathered Lords gasped collectively in surprise. Lord Yong Chun stood speechless while a shocked Lord Chun Chu stared at his aunt in disbelief.

            The Queen put down the parchment and looked up at the gathered assembly.

            “In light of our conflict with Beakje, I, together with His Excellency, Sangdaedung Bidam, will remain in Seorabol to give moral support to our troops and continue overseeing our war efforts.”

            Bidam solemnly bowed to the Queen and thanked her for her magnanimity and smiled inside. Although the Queen did not approve his contingency plan he was still satisfied, not really with his new appointment, but with the Queen’s outright show of confidence in his ability to protect her even within the capital and the threat of invasion.

            After the Queen dismissed the assembly, Lords Yong Chun and Chun Chu sought audience with the Queen in her private chambers. Her Majesty knew that Lord Chun Chu was not happy with her recent decision and had anticipated his reaction. The stubborn set of his lips told her that he would not let this matter slide so easily. She let him sulk in silence and turned to Lord Yong Chun, her late sister’s brother-in-law, instead.  Although she felt guilty for deposing one of her long-standing supporters she felt certain that he, being an experienced politician, would see the logic of her actions.

            “Lord Yong Chun, I apologise for removing you from your post as Sangdaedung.”

            “I understand, Your Majesty. We are at war and we need more men. There would be less resistance from the Lords by putting the private troops under Lord Bidam’s command. Please do not worry about me. I will continue to support your every effort to end this war,” Yong Chun said.

            “I’m glad you see my point,” the Queen replied, relieved that she had not been wrong in her assessment of the older man.

            “Do you really trust Bidam?” Chun Chu blurted out, unable to restrain his irritation.

            “Yes I do,” she answered quietly.

            Chun Chu turned away, his disgusted look betraying his vehement aversion for Bidam.

            “And I do believe in Yushin, Bidam and you. I believe in all of you and in your abilities and I will not abandon either Yushin or Bidam. I will not give up on anyone, not even you. You should realise, Lord Chun Chu, that a ruler must give as much consideration in gaining and retaining his people as much as he does in conquering entire nations.”

            Lord Chun Chu remained silent, but in his heart, his seething resentment for Bidam, son of Mishil, the woman who caused his mother’s death, was growing magnificently by the minute.

[1] Prime Minister, 2nd highest political position in Silla, entitled to succeed the throne should there be no direct heir available