Rising From The Ashes

Chapter Twelve

His anger was quite evident as he drove her to her hotel. The silence was louder than any explosion of emotion. He stopped in front of the door, she looked at him, but he refused to return the look. She begged, " Can, please, I don't  want to leave like this, You have to understand. The look was sharp and tense, as he glared straight ahead, " Sanem, this is your choice, and only yours, so evidently you do want to leave like this. Don't expect me to be happy about it. You need to go, make everyone else happy, and rich." His eyes glaring with hurt. "Don't worry about me, this seems to be the way our lives go, no commitment. Maybe I'll get over losing you again but then again maybe I won't. Goodbye Sanem, have a nice trip". She slowly stepped out of the car, she barely got the door shut before he sped away. All of a sudden her life was over, empty and without meaning. She got in the elevator and hit the button, as the doors closed, her tears fell. She leaned back against the wall, holding her stomach, every inch of her ached for him, but she feared she had lost him for good. 

Her room was dark and she left it that way, she checked her phone for messages, 24 from Kai and 10 from Pinar. But she didn't care, her life was over, why did she always ruin the best things in her life. The bed felt odd, and she couldn't stay in it, so she ended up on the sofa, not to sleep, but for a place to cry.  Pinar had already packed her things and had her ready to go, with clothes laid out for the plane ride. How efficient she was, but none of that mattered to her right now. She prayed he would text or call, but in her heart of hearts she knew he wouldn't. 

He drove along going towards home, his heart breaking into tiny bits. His throat was aching from the pain. Why did this happen, she didn't love him enough, that had to be it. Maybe this was a "get even" trick, for him leaving her 3 years ago. He was tired of losing her, this was no game to him, he loved her with all of his heart. His eyes were blurred from the tears, they flooded his eyes, so much so that he had to pull over. His hands banged on the steering wheel in frustration and desperation, he gave in, succumbing to his hurt and he cried for the love that he had lost...again. Somehow he made it home, but not inside, it would still reek of her smell, so he walked to the beach, found his chair and dropped in it with a heavy weight. Just hours earlier this beach was a playground of feelings and love, he remembered. He could still see the imprint of their bodies in the sand. This pain will never go away, or did he even want it do. His punishment was to feel this hurt for the rest of his life, the punishment of loving someone who didn't love you back. But she was so convincing, why did he not see any of the signs. He tried to imagine his life without her, he swore he spent more time trying to live without her than with her,  but it never got any easier.  His mind was focused on her and all the feelings that he held inside him, they lived vividly through his soul. 

Pinar rang her phone, reluctantly she answered, nearly able to speak. " Sanem, my dear, is that you, whats wrong with your voice. I hope your not getting sick."  Sanem cleared her throat, and tried to make her voice sound normal, " I'm not getting sick, what do you want Pinar." She said, perturbed with all the questions. " Oh, yes, the car will be here in an hour to take us to the airport, so make sure you're ready. We will be in Morocco in about 3 hours, and the signing is in the morning at 10:00 am. So will have the rest of today to prepare." Sanem was numb, her feelings were dead...usually she was full of excitement  when traveling to a new country  and meeting new people, but right now all she wanted to do was run back to that little cottage on the beach and Can. She assured her she would be ready in time for the car to pick them up. Still in the clothes from the day before, she quickly got in the shower to try and refresh her body and mind. How could anyone's heart be so broken and yet beat on, beat to prolong the life without him.  This once again had been her decision, her choice, and she had to live with it. 

The sun was shining bright on him, making his skin glisten with sweat. He had sat there for hours, staring out into the ocean, the view just wasn't the same without her. There was no brilliance in the way the sun danced about on the waves, no calmness in the way the sea gulls soared above, looking for food. It was all just there and happening but with no meaning. His life had no meaning, he couldn't stand the thought of living on, facing day after day alone in every sense of the word. Before, he had the hope that she loved him still, but things beyond her control got in the way of her commitment, but this was her choice, plain and simple. She faced him, looking him in the eyes and chose to go. He wasn't good enough, as hard as he tried, he wasn't good enough. He stood and made the walk to his house, while it was only a few feet, it tested his will and ability to walk, he stumbled and almost fell. This loss was the last he could bear, as he entered his small house, the remnants of her invaded his soul. Her smell was so strong it almost knocked him down. He fumbled with his clothes, throwing them on the floor, he stretched out on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow she had used the night before. The sadness took him down to the bare reality of being alone, he again released the tears for her, for them.

Sanem sat on the sofa, in a state of confusion, and sadness, Pinar knocked on the door, and when Sanem opened, Pinar gasped, "Sanem, what's wrong with your eyes, they're all red and swollen. I thought you said you weren't sick." She shouted. Here I think I have some eye drops." She demanded. " You know Kai is very worried about you. Are you going to be ok?" She asked. Sanem turned away from her, knowing her lies would be visible, she shook her head, " Yes Pinar, I'll be fine." She lied, " let's just get this next one over with." I'm ready to go home."

Those words stuck like a sharp bone in her throat.....

" You are such a liar." She thought, " How can you even stand yourself."........