One last time, one last thought.

First day of a new grade.

     As I open my eyes once more, still having the feeling of sorrow. Seeing sunlight in my room once more wasn't something I wanted. I wanted to stay asleep forever until everything was better.
     I hear my mother walk in and scream "GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!" As she turns on the light. I look over to her with a tired look. "Thanks for the good morning I guess." I say to her, she scoffs and looks over at me with a death glare. "Watch your mouth little girl. Wake up your brother too he needs to get up I have to leave for work." I nodded and look over at my little brother and wake him awake.
    "Dude wake up" I say in a sleepy tone of voice. He was so excited when I said it's the first day of school. He got up and got dressed all by himself as it's his first day of kindergarten.
    I begin to get ready myself, I took off my ex's jacket and see hickeys another person left meanwhile I wished it was hers. "God I fucking hope I don't have Jay in any of my classes" I say under my breath.
    I finish to get ready hiding the bruises on my thighs from a few nights ago where me and my mother got into a physical fight over the fact I knew my father was cheating. I look in the mirror and smile, to practice a mask.
   "ELIIIIII!" I screamed therefore he would hear me from my bathroom. As I walked out of my bathroom because he wasn't answering, and entered my parents bedroom. I see him sound asleep in my mother's spot..
    'He must really miss mom, huh?' I think inside my head. As I wake him up again he fights me like usual.
    "Get up so I can do your hair, before we are late" I say and he looks up at me like he hated me.
    "FINEEEEE!" He gave attitude and I was surprised a 5 year old can give off that much attitude. I rolled my eyes and made him go into the bathroom, I brushed his dirty blonde hair and brushed it to the side. Looking at him made me feel like I didn't belong in this family...
    I brush that out of my head and finish his hair, I look in the mirror and asks him if it's good or not. He nodded and started to laugh. I started to space out I got lost in my own thoughts, my long dark hair with my blue tips. It made me hate myself more.
    'I look just like her don't I?' I ask myself in the head. I shook my head and we walked out the door and I walk my brother to his school.
    'God I miss sunset view..I rather much be in elementary then fucking middle school..' I think inside my head meanwhile my brother is spinning in circles and walking. He trips and I laugh with him, and help him up. He goes to the playground I look at the time on my phone and notice I needed to get to school I say good-bye to my brother.
    'Time for fucking hell, James Monroe fucking sucks' I think in my head. I walk to the commons area finding my friend for a brief second and then having to go straight in for my class.
   I go in the halls confused, I'm panicking with how many people are there.
   'OH FUCKKKK! IM LOST!!!' I think to myself and almost dying in the hallway. I just try my best to find my first period which was math class. I walk in and don't see any friends there I know. Then my friend Lola comes in and I get excited! because I'm not alone!
     I had a huge relief, I'm not alone. She sits next to me and greets me. I hug her and I was so happy! I had bad social anxiety without anyone knowing because of the mask I put on. My teacher did this elementary school thing when they clap. I didn't clap, it was stupid to me.
     "Class I already have assign seating for u! So please stand in a line in alphabetic order!" She says in a kinda cheerful way, but you could tell it was so fake. She tried I can tell that didn't work out well, I just put my hands in my hoodie and stood up. We all were timed to see how long it'll take before we all get into alphabetical order.
    My last name starts with an R, so find the R's I did so. She told us this won't be our assign seats or anything it was a drill to get to know each other more. To get to know names because we had interact. She called out the list of names, she got to my name I can tell. "Estra? Australia??" She says and I scoff, "here, and it's Estrella call me Star if you can't pronounce my name." I say to her straight up with a dead look in my eye.
   "Okay star! You sit there next to Lola" as she said I got happy just didn't wanna show it.
   "Aye buddy!" I say she greets me back and we start quietly talking about manga and a lot more like yaoi she and I read.
   Everyone is situated and we start to play a card game where u have to add up all the cards that equal 30, in every way possible. We all struggled and my group got it first so we got candy. Then the bell rang, I was thankful to walk out of that class.
    Time for second period nothing special social studies, we didn't do anything she taught us about Geographic stuff, like longitude and latitude. The most we did was throw papers that had a question on it and we went around and answered them but besides that; I sat next to my friend Mariah and this dude named Derrick and messed around with them. I looked around the classroom everyone sat next to someone but this one guy didn't. I shrugged it off.
   'I bet he likes to alone..I don't blame him in this school. You play a mask and fit in or else you're picked on.' I think in my head and look up to the board which I couldn't see it much. It was blurry, but my vision has always been like this I didn't see anything wrong with it.
    I finished up with that period and didn't feel anything felt numb.
  'Okay I haven't seen her yet! I HOPE TO GODDDD! I DONT HAVE HER IN A PERIOD!' As I thought about my ex from my earlier school year in 6th grade and I kept going to her. In the end we just broke up and it tore me because I wasn't ready for a relationship. I still had guilt because I felt like I hurt her badly...but I can't ever come to say sorry to her I was to ashamed.
    'Fucking whore! STUPID ASS! HOE!..' the voices screamed in my head I got more stiff and walked to advance orchestra. I didn't know anyone there because I was a grade lower then all of them. I knew one which was Luke, but I felt like he hated me. I was a bitch in 6th because I was not the best. I played with my long hair or my ex's hoodie. We played a find a rhythm game with tennis balls she'd play a random song and we'd find the beat and bounce the ball to it or either pass it around to the beat.
      The bell rang again, 4th period rolled around, got lost in the halls once more. I was already filled with anxiety. I had a bad feeling about it, I didn't even walk half way through the room before me and my ex jay locked eyes. I broke, and I ran out...I couldn't face her not here not now.
The voices became louder and pounding my head..in the bathroom hearing them. My skin torn and bleeding. I blackout. Until I heard the bell..