VENT WRITING

VENTING TW:suicidal thoughts,anxiety,feeling useless let me know if theres more

I used to look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm okay" when I wasn't people tell me "be direct with your issues". So I walked up to the mirror and said "I'm not okay"and I felt like I was going deeper and deeper into this war that I didn't want to be in. I feel like I was going into a war that I feel I can't win that I know I can't win people say knowledge is half the battle when. Yes it may be but sometimes you don't want to know your not okay. sometimes ignorance can keep you safe and sane. So nowadays I don't look in the mirror I avoid mirrors at all costs because sometimes looking in the mirror reminds me that I'm not okay and I don't want to know that I'm not okay sometimes.

To avoid feeling useless I lock my emotions way good and bad because sometimes losing the good is better then keeping the bad. So I throw all my emotions, pains and everything else into this lockable chest in my mind. Whenever something happens I throw it into this chest and lock it away and act like everything fine when nothing this fine. My world is falling apart and I don't want anyone to know. Why? Because it makes me look weak. So I don't cry because I fear if I start cry I might never stop

They say I have anxiety because I was an emotional child and I've grown fear to my emotions. that anxiety is the way I learned to protect myself. And I wish it wasn't when I can't get out bed because I feel so broken and scared inside. I'm drowning and I'm too scared to scream for help because I'm scared I'm gonna drag someone down with me! I'm screaming and no one can hear it because of ear plugs I put in! I don't want to admit that not okay so I plaster on a fake smile so everyone thinks I'm doing okay but the second I'm alone I break down I fall to the floor and I cry for hours on end. Every night is a war that I fear I might lose but I'm too scared to ask for help.

Everyone has an angel and a demon but the demon doesn't tell you to be bad. The demon starts out as a whisper saying that "you should die no one would miss you" but the angel easily overpowers him at first! at first... As life goes on the demon gets louder depending on what's happening it might get louder slower or faster. sometimes the demon gets so loud that you can't even hear the angel anymore. I can't hear the angel I beg for the demon to stop! Sometimes I can hear a whisper from the angel a flicker of hope! sometimes I don't like hearing the angel knowing that the demons are only going to come back louder it's painful. A pain I can't take anymore! It's useless to fight I'm not gonna win!