Random Thoughts Inside my Head

A Quite Place

Do you ever feel like you can't breathe even though you are? Confusing, right? But that's what happened to me the day before yesterday. When I left for work, I was fine. More than fine. I was laughing and making jokes with my co-workers but the moment I went home or to our apartment, everything doesn't feel the same.

If you didn't know, I'm currently living with my four girl friends for almost two years. My mind was blank and I wasn't talking to any of them the whole time that I was home. What was I thinking that entire time; nothing. Absolutely,nothing. 

My  mind was blank. It was like staring at a blank word document. I know I was still conscious of what was going on but I was just doing my normal task without thinking anything. Maybe, muscle memory or something. 

The thing is, this often happens to me. More frequent when I started working, I guess. I have anxiety. Self-diagnosis? I'm currently looking for a psychiatrist. I know, I needed help but I'm also scared of what was going to happen next.

I always overthink things. Do I have a problem at work? None, that I've know of. Me and my co-workers are fine. Problems with family? Nope. Me and my parents are fine. Money? I'm financially stable and I just recently bought a new laptop. maybe, love life? That thing doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Between you and your friends? I can't think of any problems with them.

So, why?

I always ask myself about that everyday. Why? What is wrong with me? I remember one time, me and my friends where on board a plane heading to Thailand for a week vacation. The plane haven't left the runway and I'm already thinking of it falling and crashing. To say, I was scared was an understatement. Luckily, my friends didn't noticed how scared I was.

I was shaking, my hands were sweating and my heart was pounding so hard I can hear it. I was terrified of something that wasn't going to happen. It was all in my mind. I was hyperventilating and I saw something online about some grounding or something like that.

All in all, I was calming myself while the plane was exiting the runway. So, what really is going on?

I really need professional help. This isn't normal.

-Alysha