Random Thoughts Inside my Head

A letter to my friends

As the tittle indicates, this is a letter to them. I hope they would read this, if would suck if they didn't. In here, I'm going to say everything that I couldn't say to them. I found out that for me, its easier for me to open this way than talking.

I don't talk that often and if I do, I would get anxious about saying the right things. Like, what would they say or how would they react to what I said. Its starting to get irritating that's why I seldom talked to them about my problems.

As the eldest among us three siblings, I'm always the one to held the responsibilities. I'm not used to be the one to ask for help 'cause I'm always the one helping. Imagine, me, asking for help. I could never imagine that. 

I know my friends warned me about shutting them out, I'm trying my best but sometimes, I unconsciously do it. I'm pushing them away.

I found out by googling that those are the symptoms of someone who has GAD or Generic Anxiety Disorder. I know, you shouldn't trust Google but I'm scared of seeing a physiatrist.  I'm scared to know how fucked up I am in the head.

Its much easier to forget it and move on, right? But this is biting me in the ass. I can't do that to my friends or to my family but I'm scared. I kept on saying that I would go get some help but I'm scared. Let's not forget about what's going on in the world right now. It just fucked everyone up.

You might think that  I only had this when the pandemic started, you are wrong. Ever since I was a kid, I've been experiencing them just not worst as I do right now. Back then, I thought it was normal, like its just who I am but looking back I was already fucked up.

Was it because of my parents, probably. Was it because of my environment, maybe. I'm just fucked up and I can't find the root of everything. I don't want to blame my parents because despite of their short comings, I had an awesome childhood. So, where did it actually begin?

My answer, I don't know.

-Alysha