Once There Was Us

No More

"We're done Kian. I don't want to do anything with you anymore."

Those were the final words Alyssa told me right before she left me for good. During that time, I've only felt regret, resentment, confusion, and pain, a pain so unbearable I don't even want to go anywhere. I just want to stay in one place, somewhere I can never be disturbed, somewhere silent, somewhere I can disconnect from the world and not be reached by anyone. But this crowd that I am walking through is making it impossible for me to get the peace and silence that I need. The vibrant outdoors, the bright neon signs from the shops everywhere, the noisy vendors calling out to the people to buy what they're selling, the oblivious mob playing games in the carnival; everything is just noisy, which is why I am walking away.

Walking away from everyone.

Walking away from reality.

Walking away from my past self.

Walking away from her.

As I continue walking past through the crowd, I can't help but feel pity upon myself. I knew this will eventually happen given that the situation that I have with her is quite complicated. I knew that this kind of relationship would not last long: a no label relationship.

It's funny, as if we were dating, that boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. I know to myself that I don't have the right to be hurt or to even move on. After all, I thought that there was an us, but it was just me and her. I don't even get how I got myself into this situation. Was it because of my immaturity? Was it because I got carried away by the heat of the moment?

Lots of questions popped up in my mind that I didn't even know where I was walking now, from the noisy urban centre where most people gather, I found myself walking alongside the river with trees planted alongside its shore. And before I even knew it, I hit a crack in the ground and tripped, failing miserably. My left knee hit the ground first and it all took the weight of my heavy body. Luckily, it was supported by both of my hands which touched the ground violently that it made a cracking sound. I couldn't even distinguish whether it was a crack from the ground or a crack from my hands.

Knowing I was in such a miserable position, I can't help but remember the pathetic moment where I was dumped by my now ex-girlfriend, or if that even applies. Looking down on the ground, in all fours, tiny droplets started falling from the ground.

"Ah, it's raining."

I didn't even know it was going to rain, I didn't bring my umbrella. Drops of water kept falling from the ground, but I was dry and so as my surroundings. Who knew that rain can be this selective.

It's a crushing feeling.

A rain cloud chooses you, yet the woman you loved didn't.

This is pathetic. It's a good thing that no one is around to see this side of me.

I let out a laugh underneath my breath. It's maybe only at these moments that I can truly feel something so twisted like laughing at my pitiful self.

"Huh, why is everything swirling around?"

Little did I know that that would be the last moment that I will ever see in my life.

"I guess I'm dying." I let out a sigh and a laugh after that.

Oh well, I think it's goodbye world. The stress that has been put in my mind, as well as in my heart is maybe just too heavy that it reached its maximum limit. I can feel something popping in my head and my heart aching.

And just like that, I'm lying down on the ground, with no one to help me.

Huh, what a joke. An ending for someone like me, well at least I can finally get what I want: A place where I am disconnected from the world and other people.

"Alyssa, I loved you, so why?" I said as I closed my eyes, not even wanting to open them ever again.