The Mistletoe of March

I

It had been a month since I took a break from the world of entertainment. 

I have been a part of a worldwide phenomenon that demanded my youth and my whole life. Do not take me wrong – I love every minute that I was on stage. Every minute that I take the words out of my mouth and put them into a melody that anyone can relate to - whether they understood my native tongue or not - made up my entire existence. But probably, as part of growing and living, I got to a point when it felt monotonous. Maybe I have everything that one can ask for – much more than what others may actually have – and yet somewhere, I felt a deep sense of something lacking in my existence.

But how do you find something when you don't know what exactly is missing?

I did my best to continue with every day, still giving triple of what I can give. Each and every night connected to that day, I retreat to the bed tired but unable to sleep well. I wake up thinking that it is going to be another day that would be a photocopy of yesterday and it felt worrying. It was a time of sleeping for long hours and never feeling rested at all. I must admit, it was showing. I tried talking to the boys about it. Whatever comfort I got from those conversations and their never-ending support, they have been short lived.

I decided to talk to a counselor after much thought. I told RM about it and he was supportive. We were in California that time and our manager set up some time to schedule a session with one who is in Korea. We finished with one and had another after three days. He was very attentive and after three sessions, he suggested that I take a rest. Time away from work and a break from the usual. Time for self and to take a deep breath.

It was tough. I never considered taking a break while dealing with it and I could not find the courage to discuss it with the boys until I was decided as to what I would do. We were almost at the end of a yearlong tour and stopping midway would be personally disappointing. One more month and we would be on a flight back to Incheon. I gave it a series of long thoughts and internal debates.

Years into performing and endless air and road tours. In the end, I decided to follow what the counselor told me. I talked to everyone in an honest and emotional conversation a week before we were scheduled to go back to Korea. They were emotional but they understood my decision and they all expressed their support. On the last night of our performance, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from the ARMY as I told them of my short hiatus from our performances.

It was the most difficult decision that I had to make and I was very anxious.

--

It was a Monday afternoon and unlike yesterday, I decided to take a walk near the area in front of the condominium where I stay. It was a working day so there weren't any people. The air was blowing a cool autumn wind and my denim jacket worked well in keeping me warm. The ocean waves were a dancing along and I could hear it as I approached the glass skywalk. There was another one – Songdo Skywalk – but it usually is crowded so I opted to stay near Oryukdo. There was just one person there that time and she seemed to be also lost in her own thoughts. I stayed a few meters away from her, just staring blankly at the sky.

"If the ocean waves are talking to us right now, what do you think is it saying?" I heard her say after minutes of silence. I looked around and there was no one else in there so I figured the question was for me.

I took a deep breath and thought about it. "It probably is saying that it has so many secrets underneath. Maybe it wants to know if we'd like to find it out."

"Do you want to find out?"

"What?"

"The secrets underneath."