lost in the light {n.h ou}

i left my heart in san francisco

fall

Fall crept up on Charlie like a forest fire. Born and raised on the west coast, she knew the routine. Weeks of news footage, cameras spanning miles of national parks. People leaning out of helicopters surveying the damage. Burnt trees. Charred earth. Something that had once been beautiful, now left in destruction beyond repair. Fires always started small. No one ever seemed to talk about that. Cigarettes tossed carelessly to the side of a trail. The smallest spark. And then a month later an entire forest was gone.

Alerts and warnings about the heat index and the air quality bombarded everyone. Phone screens lit constantly, begging people to pay attention. Life always went on as normal. Work, school, home -all the while this monstrous thing beyond anyone's imagination was growing. Hidden deep within the mountains where no one could see it. And if you couldn't see it, it wasn't real.

The next day you were running from your home in the middle of the night. Unsure you would ever see it again as it was in that moment.

When Charlie was little. there was a fire in the Santa Monica mountains. Back in the late nineties where the alerts were only on the TV, her parents were still together, her mother had been on the cover of Vogue the month before, and her father was fresh off a world tour and subsequent rehab stint. Strange the things you remember as a kid. Charlie knew nothing about a fire. Her world was fine. Until her nanny Rosie was shaking her awake at two in the morning. Quickly, pulling a jacket over her pajamas and throwing things in her backpack. It had been blue and green and yellow -with Charlie's name stitched in block letters. So clearly Charlie could remember being placed on the kitchen counter, swinging her legs back and forth. Her mother frantic, yelling in Spanish, pulling the landline cord as far as it could go as she hurriedly packed a bag of photos. Charlie's dad had been numbly wandering around the living room, favorite guitar in his hands.

The entire world unfolded before Charlie as she watched her household devolve into chaos once more. The door slammed several times. Both carrying things out to the car. Almost as if she was an afterthought, Charlie's dad walked over and scooped her up, doing his best to get her into the car seat.

Life had been fine. Then one night everything changed.

Fall felt like that.

//

Summer ended in a rush. Memories blended together and drenched in the golden light. Late morning breakfast at their diner when Niall was in town. Hours passed in the backyard, dipping in and out of the pool. Perks of the life Niall led. Lost in the rush of the heat waves coming and going, Charlie memorized the gate code for Niall's place and he ended up with a key to Charlie's house. Neither said anything about it. Heat shimmered off the roads as Charlie drove them up the coast -showing Niall her favorite tucked away surfing spots. Kissing goodbye in the departures lane of LAX. Kissing hello in the arrivals lane. Niall flitted in and out of Charlie's Los Angeles bubble. Bringing with him tales from the road. Photos from the places he finally ventured out to see. Odd how Niall's passport was filled to the brim and he had still seen so little.

Eventually summer would end. The orange trees would stop growing and the eucalyptus wouldn't bloom. Fall would bring Charlie's final semesters of grad school, a full return to normal work hours, Niall finishing his last leg of tour. Schedules so packed Charlie's planner was already filled with the weight of it all. And there was also the smallest worry, when Niall finished tour, what did they do? Deadlines had become their safety net. What were they meant to do when it was ripped away?

Typical, Charlie ignored those thoughts. Placing them in a tightly packed box. Maybe one day in therapy she would deal with it. But not today.

Today, Charlie found herself living some alternate life.