lost in the light {n.h ou}

if you ever come back to california

winter

There was a drought in California that winter. The city of Los Angeles just dried up and died off. Starving for a drop of rain. Desperate for something to ease the cities' pain. Flowers and lawns and trees baked under the hot sun. Even the palm trees were tinged sepia. It wasn't long before pamphlets started showing up in the mail. Water shortage. Messages flooded the news about conservation, half the city ranted about the lack of brown lawns in certain zip codes.

Charlie did her part. Something to focus on. Collected water in her sink when she did the dishes. Put the stopper down when she showered -Charlie used the water for her plants. Everything had dulled and there was a clawing need in her gut to keep something alive.

Warnings and alerts filled her phone most mornings through December. Hazy red skies greeted her every time she opened the front door. Wildfires in the mountains had started breaking out. Her mother called from Mexico where she was visiting family for the holidays. Panic clouded every word of the conversations. Back and forth between Spanish and English like she always did when she was worried. It made the pulse in Charlie's temple throb trying to keep up. But it was -it was nice. Warm maternalism had never exactly been her mother's forte, but there had always been love between them. Charlie's dad evacuated from his place up in Malibu. Showed up at Charlie's house with the necessities. Records, guitars, his surfboard. He took over her guest bedroom for a couple days while they avoided the red skies and ash falling from the sky.

One night he had tossed Charlie a worn stuffed dog with a missing eye. A ratty brown thing Charlie had dragged around for a good seven years as a kid.

She hadn't really known what to say.

The evening before he planned to take off and head down the coast, they shared a joint on the front porch. Charlie didn't know if it was the pot or the feeling of fear that lingered whenever there were fires like this or that Charlie cried most days lately -but Graham Strummer had a rare paternal moment. And everything about it left Charlie feeling like her chest had been cracked open.

"Whoever they were -I'm sorry." Her dad had said suddenly after several beats of silence. Charlie had nearly fallen off the railing with how sharply she turned her head. He continued, waving the joint around. "I know you don't think I pay attention, and that's fair, but even I notice you moping around and staring at your phone."

Charlie blew out the smoke in her lungs. Taking in the oddly serious expression on his face. Like he was just catching up on all the talks he forgot to give when she was a teenager. "He was a musician." Charlie told him, laughing at his eye roll. "And I went and broke his heart."

"Did you love him?"

"Still do." Charlie shrugged, lifting the joint to her lips. "So naturally I ruined everything."

Her dad sighed. Stretching his legs out across the porch. When she had been little Charlie had been fascinated with all the tattoos. "This feels like a very, LA my parents gave me baggage, type thing."

"Oh Dad, no -we are not having that conversation." Charlie waved him off. In no way interested in doing a deep dive of her daddy issues.

He laughed at her. Relief clear across his face. Maybe someday in therapy they would sort it out, but tonight smoking weed with her father was not the time. She watched him crush the joint in the ashtray, place his weathered hands on his knees and look at her. "If you love him, tell him -fix it. Life's short kid, no point being miserable."

And the thing was her father was a multitude of wonders. Magnetic. Creative. Hilarious. Wild. In Charlie's head there had been a version of who she had thought her dad should be. He wasn't that. And it was time for Charlie to forgive him for not living up to some standard cookie cutter image she had crafted. Her dad had spent most of the eighties snorting coke off of various chests -he was never going to be the PTA type or take her to soccer games. And so what? Charlie had been awful at soccer. He had taught her to surf and to play piano and she got her sense of humor from him and he took her to the Grammys and picked her up from school in a red lamborghini wearing cheetah print pants. And she loved him for it.