The next day found me walking around the side of the gym at lunchtime. I don’t know why but there were knots in my stomach. This was not me and I knew it. I smoked at my bench on the quad at lunch, surrounded by my crew, and making fun of the normals. I didn’t skulk around gyms waiting for people I barely knew.
I mean the girl was an Emo!! I am a Goth! This was not normal in anyway shape or form. We were total opposites, she was a Christian and went to church every sunday. She was an Emo and thought her world was shit! While I was an atheist who really couldn’t care less about some supernatural grandfather in the sky. I was a goth who just though the world was a dark and disturbing place, and had complete disdain for humanity as a whole.
I didn’t know why I was here, or why I cared, but I knew I did and that is what kept me sitting in the same spot we had met in. I was smoking a Newport, (somethings never change) and looking at the grassy area that was the backside of our gym. Something had me anxious and I didn’t know what but I knew that I would go mad if I had to wait much longer.
“Y-you showed up” I heard the small sweet voice from my left.
“Of course I did. I may be a bad boy but I still know how to keep my word” I said inspecting the female. She was stunning, (something I had never thought about someone before then) as she stood there in her ripped black skinny jeans and “My Chemical Romance” long sleeved shirt. There was just something about the way the sun glinted off of her golden brown hair.
“What are you looking at??” Her voice snapped me out of my trance like state.
“A beautiful girl who doesn’t see it when she looks in the mirror” I replied, I had always had a way of seeing somebody past the front they put up and this was no different. I didn’t just see a girl here I saw possibilities, who she was and who she could become. But what had me curious was what made her who she was. It was clear she had suffered a lot and I wanted to know why.
She raised an eyebrow trying to mask her shock with skepticism, it was almost amusing to me to watch her try to hide her emotions from my trained eyes. There wasn’t much that could hide from them. I spent my whole life watching people and this gave me a unique insight in the human psyche.
“Now why don’t you sit down and and tell me why you were crying yesterday?” I said patting the ground next to me, motioning for her to sit.
“Ok” Was all she said as she took the seat next to me.
“So whats up?” I said in a gentle voice, my eyes searching for hidden emotions or feelings just below the surface.
Taking a hit of my cigarette I exhaled carefully in the opposite direction of the girl. Just because I made bad choices didn’t mean I was going to force them on her.
“First I have a question of my own” She said taking a breath, her eyes locking onto mine as if she was trying to discern the truth in my soul.
“Shoot” I said with a grin “I’m an open book, there isn’t much that I hide”
“Why do you care? I’ve seen you around school and there isn’t much you seem to give two shits about. So why me?” She said watching me like a hawk, I could tell she had been hurt before and did not intend to repeat that mistake twice.
I sighed, knowing that I was wondering the same thing myself “Honestly?” I said as I took another hit of my Newport. “I don’t know, there is just something about you that draws me in, and I wish I knew what it was but I don’t.” I finished, exhaling the smoke to cover the worry behind my sigh.
“Well” she said with a sad smile. “I am just tired of Rick and his crew bullying me everywhere I turn. Yesterday I went to my locker and found a note on it that just set me off.” Her eyes glancing down to her arm, ever so slightly but I caught it. The arm had faint cuts on them barely poking out from beneath the shirt.
It hit me then, that she was a cutter, and I knew the kind of pain and stigma surrounding that coping mechanism. I reached into my pocket and pulled out something that very few people had ever seen, it was a small pocket watch that counted days, “This is my counter” I said, the memories of the pain of my past seeping into my bones, “I reset it every time I cut myself.” I smiled sadly as I looked at the piece. “15 days since my last relapse.” I said handing her the piece “I think you should have it”
“She eyed me wearily as she accepted the watch, taking it carefully in her hands before saying “You seem to have it all together I don’t even see why you would need one of these”
I chuckled grimly, taking another hit of my by now almost gone newport, before replying “You would be surprised my dear you would be surprised. My life may seem all in order but you haven’t see me at my worst, or my best for that matter. I find that life is a roller coaster and its always better to keep a straight face, and just move on” I added the last part with a little tinge of regret in my voice. There were not many things I regretted in my life but there was one and it was something that would haunt my waking and sleeping life until I slept for the last time.
She smiled sadly, her eyes piercing my soul and seeing through the facade, as she said “You aren’t that bad you know that?”.
Then she did the last thing I ever though she would, she reached over and hugged me.
I didn’t know what to say, in fact I was speechless. But that was ok because just at this moment, the bell rung and I was saved by it…. literally.
She rose quickly and said “See you here tomorrow? I can’t miss class two days in a row!”
I nodded slowly and stammered something like “Ye-yeah sou-sounds good”.
As she left me alone with my thoughts I puzzled over what had just happened. I had been pretty intimate with girls before, and had never been as daze as I just was. As the apple scent from her hair wafted away I was left sitting there with a stupid looking grin on my face.
