Life as a story

HERE I AM

"I am not ashame of who you are but,
It's kinda hard to see you so far.
I know you can hear what I am saying.
I hold still, standing and believing that,

I could be yours or I am not.
But I hear your voice saying:

DON'T BE AFRAID, COZ
MY LOVE WILL NEVER FADE
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SUN
LIKE A HUG THAT NEVER LOOSE ITS WARM

SO HERE I AM, DON'T BE AFRAID. HERE I AM.

I know I'm not the one, I shouldn't be with you.
You chased me with your loving arms and you said
It's not true.
I never felt alone when you called me your own.
You  break my heart that used to live like stone, yet
What a great love and care for me you have shown."

*Actually it's a composed song of mine with a little twist to accentuate it as a poem. Where I, as an ever proud Born again Christian, had once felt a heartbreaking experience especially when you break the rules(pertaining to God's rule). Whoever you are reading this piece, believer or non-believer, I just want to remind you that: challenging God's unconditional love will surely turn you to a very BIG trouble. When I meant challenging, it's like abusing it. Just because He is just to forgive us from our sins, doesn't mean he's gonna tolerate things that are not pleasing in His eyes. Well, as a loving father, he would rather give you a lesson than to punish you.
And I, of course, experienced it.

(Try to imagine this):
I was so secured and satisfied with a love that my Dad is giving to me. He said 'if you really love me, you will never ever turn your face against me no matter what happens.' So I said yes coz I thought I would not be doing such things he was thinking coz I was really contented  to be with him.

We sing together, play together, dance together, eat together and almost everything we do, we never ever passed even one second not being together. When I cry he was there to tap his hand on my back and comfort me. When I am happy, he opens my eyes to see even more greater things to be happy with. And we're like bestfriends.!

Until such time comes when something took my heart and time for a moment. Just a simple offer coming from this thing when I easily get fooled and give my everything in it. How stupid I felt when I easily get trapped into a nightmare I thought a wonderful dream. It was very impressive that it used such beautiful things to fool anyone who could encounter it but yet a deadly one. When that time happened, I felt something inside of me, and I mean it, that something really big and I know it's really important had fell into pieces.. That I know it would never ever be rebuild again. What a shameful, terrible, miserable and mess I have done.

I started to ignore what my dad is telling me. He followed me everywhere, but seems I put boundary lines between us. Coz I followed what I wanted.(PLEASURE!!)
I said to myself 'surely I'll be back one day.' But why one day becomes a million miles away?
Day after day, hours running away, minutes wasting, seconds dying, when I felt evil, is growing inside me and I learned it when I realized that I'm falling deeply in love with this THING!(PLEASURE!) But I could still hear my dad shouting out my name behind those boundaries and I remained deaf and blind! And then the time comes that those blocks I built in order not to see my dad is finally working, he seemed not pursuing me anymore. WHICH WAS I KNOW IT IS A BAD THING.. But still I remained a fool.

And the day came that my soul got exhausted and my spirit fainted from seeing and doing evilness. My body followed, my brain humbled, but my heart is totally beaten up. I've totally decided to let go of this thing and come back to my dad because it has nothing to do but to keep on killing me.. I climb over those boundaries and tried to see him. But what I saw behind the boundary lines, was a dead endless highway back from home.When I realized that letting go would hurt, much pain I felt on moving on. I was paranoid because I don't know what I was suppose to do. I leaned back my head behind, leaned back my head in front, I got nothing. Nothing but tears and scars. Until questions hit me: "do I have to turn left where nothing is right? Or turn right where nothing is left?" No one can hear my voice. I'm still a prison of my past. Still chained by my foolishness. I cried out "DAD! DAD! I NEED YOU! I WANT YOU! I WANNA GO HOME AND EMBRACE YOU! PLEASE HERE ME. YOU CAN HEAR ME RIGHT? DAD?................................ . . . . . . dad v_v." I thought it was the end. That he will never love me again. That TRUST takes billion hours to build but a second to break and it will never ever be rebuild again. Whenever it happens, it will never be the same like before. I was a lonely stupid man. I learned that it takes a long time to be with my pleasure but, it seems became double the way to travel along back to home..

When I realize I'm already at the gateway of our home, pain still chokes me. He was not there. My eyes rolled down Until hope started to drain out.. tears flooded and my body weakens. 'It is over. I don't deserve to be in his arms again.' My poor heart said . Darkness has slowly swallowing me. I chose to fight. Yes I was deaf and blindfolded but it can't keep me from waking up. I fight till my hand got tired, feet got weak, lungs got half of air and voice got disappear from shouting out my dad's name. Still no chance of victory, if only dad can hear words of  repentance from my mouth.......until a shadow appeared, a voice trembled saying, "I STILL LOVE YOU".. and everything that hurts me wooshed away and replaced by mourning of joy.
Me: do you really still care? What about those things I did to you? Promises I've dumped away? I have, despised you... why didn't you showed up when I was home?
Dad: I was beside you all the time since you decided to come back.
Me: then why didn't you say so? Why didn't u come to me so easy? Why is it I didn't see you? It feels miles away from you...!
Dad: because you still bring with you those boundaries in order to keep me away. But I'm still with you. In fact I hear you cried, and I comforted you. I hear you ask me, I answered you. But you chose to focus on your past. That's why you didn't felt me.
Me: but why now? Why is it you just came when it is nearly the end?
Dad: Because you chose to fight for me. You said you needed me and you want me. You said you want to embrace me.. and I heard you . And that thing you said when trust was broken, it will never be rebuild and be the same again? That is the only thing you're wrong. I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FOR SAKE YOU. My love will never ever fade and will never change. You are my child and I am your father. And for the last time, can I hear my name before I embrace you?
Me: je..... je.... JESUS..
Dad(JESUS): HERE I AM son. :)

*You see, everything you just read is about God. Could be between you and God. There's a time to be bad and time to stop to be bad. There's a time to be happy and time to cry. Time to work hard and time to rest and time to let God handle everything.
When you choose to be bad, you'll be bad. But there is always a way to escape if you choose to. But if you choose to be with God, with his love, no chance of escape even if you choose to.(psalms 139:7-18) which is very unbelievable but a very good thing . Because you already sealed that you are his son/daughter. You and I was made by Him. Who could possibly separate us from his love? Whatever you choose now could be a lesson or a blessing but the certain thing is that everything works together for good. Say no to evil and say yes to God. Because he knows everything that is beyond your imagination.

Note: the poem is free for you to dedicate to anyone but I chose to dedicate it to God. :)