endless nights | poetry

the last one.

i didn't know it was the last goodbye i'd
have to say to you.

it wasn't like all the family reunions or the thanksgivings at your house, it wasn't like leaving with a plate of your most signature meals.

it wasn't like giving you a kiss on the cheek as you whispered "de te vállate bien." into my ear before caressing my cheek as you walked me and the rest of my family down to our car.

i didn't know that i would never get to spend another thanksgiving with you.

I remember walking into the hospital room, the whole family surrounding your bed. i watched my cousins fall to their knees, screams ripping through their lungs as they said what may have been the last goodbye.

it was.

it was just me and my family, sitting together in your room. my mom holding your hand, never wanting to let go of her sister - her best friend.

the procedure was risky. the chances of you coming back to us were slight, but the cancer had began to eat at everything left of you.

it was the only chance we had left.

so we walked up to you one by one, giving you a kiss and whispering words of affirmation that this wouldn't be the last time.

i remember walking up to your side, your eyes tired, your lips pale like the rest of your skin. i took your hand and i held it tightly, i looked into your eyes for what i didn't know was the last time and i said, "i love you, tia.. i'll see you soon."

looking back i wish i had said more. i wish i would have told you how much i loved going to your house for thanksgiving, i should have told you how amazing a mother you were to your three sons, i wish i would have told you that you made the holidays even more special. i wish i would have asked you to teach me how to make your famous casserole. i wish i would have spent more time with you. i wish i would have held your hand a little tighter, i would have given you a longer kiss to your fingers, i wish i would have told you how much my family needed you, how nothing would be the same without you.

but it's too late.
you never woke up.
i never got to tell you
the things i wish i did

i got the call as my sister and i were on our way
to the hospital to visit. my sister had broke the news, that you had left us.

immediately when the phone rang, it started to rain.
no clouds, no rain on the forecast - but here it was.
Almost symbolizing the end of a fight you had been battling for months.

we crowded the room, cousins, sisters, brothers - family, all surrounding you. we're here, tia. we're all here just like all the thanksgivings we spent together. that was what you were best at, bringing the family together even in the hardest times in life.

you were the first person i've ever lost in my life. you were the first goodbye i've ever said and it was by far the hardest.

because it was a goodbye that wasn't
followed by a hello.

it was a goodbye but i didn't know it was the last.

- the hardest goodbyes are the ones you
don't realize are the last

[ I lost my tia around christmas time in 2018. she was the first loss of a family member in my immediate family where i was old enough to understand. she was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago when she was younger but she had overcame it. earlier in 2018 we had learned that it was back, this time worst and even more aggressive. it spread everywhere and did become colon cancer which is very aggressive and at that time terminal for her. that was the biggest loss for my family and it was extremely hard on me because it was the first time i had experienced something like this. it's been two years without my tia and i still miss her everyday. gracias por todo tía, te extraño mucho. ]