Midnight Shadow

Chapter 2 - Windows

I sat in my room that night thinking over Mrs. Deavers words and perfect sincerity. She was perceptive in many ways. I was holding myself back. Relationships with humans always ended badly. I lived in the constant climate of human emotions. Becoming friends, loving people was just too much of a risk to allow myself. I outlived everyone I met and there was nothing I could do about it.

The project she'd assigned me was even more disconcerting. I'd misjudged her intent in the class room. But assigning me a project like this, that did not have to be turned in or graded, was bizarre. Was she really that concerned about me? As a person? She didn't benefit at all if I did the project or not.

The twinge in my throat returned. I sighed and went down stairs for some water. It was late but Mr. and Mrs. Hill were still up, talking in the living room.

"Everything ok, Ash?" Mrs. Hill asked as I appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Again the wave of concern swirled around me. It was getting difficult to block. Why was everyone so concerned about me? It was nice in a way, but also disconcerting. I worked everyday to be invisible and yet everyone seemed to be very interested in me recently.

"Oh, yes ma'am. Just thirsty" I answered. Her expression changed and a flood of relief pounded against me. What happened? I would have felt this kind of climate from upstairs. I suddenly occurred to me why she was so overjoyed. I was smiling at her.  Had I never smiled at her before? Had I really been that withdrawn the last few months?

I turned and went into the kitchen, avoiding the potential conversation I could feel she wanted to have. It didn't work, I could feel her walk in behind me.

"Ash?" I heard her say behind me as I filled the glass.

"Yes ma'am?"

"I just wanted you to know. We really enjoy having you here" she whispered.

"Um, thanks. I enjoy being here too" I said back, fighting the truth of the sentiment the entire time. I was suddenly on very dangerous ground and I knew it. Tearing down walls meant one thing. It meant that I cared about these people. It wasn't just convenient to be with a good family. I genuinely liked them. That was a very dangerous thing indeed. Caring about them led to opening up to them. I'd never tell them the truth about myself, about what I was. But If I opened up I would care about them. If I cared and opened up then I would like them, then love them and then I'd have to leave. Leaving someone you loved was hard in general. But I lived with every emotion around me swirling like the ocean. I felt things a million times stronger than humans did. It took all my self control to filter out the heartless droning of the humans at school. How could I filter them out and not this family?

"Good" she said to me kindly, looking into my face. I knew she wanted to see that smile again. To believe that it had been real. I wasn't ready to do that yet. Not just yet, but I could at least offer her the same courtesy.

"Thank you ma'am" I added sincerely. I felt the battle brewing inside me. My heart wanted desperately to form a connection with the Hill's. My head said no way... too dangerous.

"Good night, Ash" her returning, tentative smile seemed to push it's way into me. It was a strange feeling, the battle inside myself. I retreated to the safety of my room. For the first time wondering if I'd rushed my return to Memphis.

It was a good night, but a long one too. I sat for hours thinking of the conversation at school and the look on Mrs. Hill's face. Why was I feeling so compelled to change how I handled humans now? Why now, after thousands of years of practice, after learning, the hard way, time and time again that relationships are dangerous, was I considering opening up to people. I knew why, if I wanted to admit it. I knew the reason why just as well as I knew why I walked the earth for so long. People, or rather humans, were creatures of emotion. I acted the same way when I was human too. It was important to care and be cared for. To them, it made life worth living when every other reason failed. The same didn't hold true for me, I couldn't afford to. I'd spent years building up my emotional walls. A life of forced segregation was the only way to go, or so I'd thought. The twinge in my throat was evidence of that. Humans would never understand me. They'd never love someone like me. Even if they could, I couldn't return it. It cost too much to care. Love was not part of my life. It never could be.