Not Just My Enemy.

Chapter 8: Relive and Reset

     It wasn't his fault per say, but the anxiety didnt care as if flooded over me. It felt like my dead heart dropped, head dizzying yet anger and frustration were the emotions that took over. I left; back to my house. No, MS's house. This wasnt any good either.

     He didn't know I had come back, well, not until I was on my way out again. MS called my name, asked if I had finally completed my job. Yelled after me as I kept walking. His voice did nothing but piss me off more than I already was. I willingly glitched out again, landing in Clock Town. I kept walking. I knew where I was headed but it was almost as if I couldn't stop my feet. They kept going until I was on the outskirts of the town; my pitch eyes landing across a dark lake I knew all too well.

    I didn't want to be here. The memories and stress it brought on were always too much. And yet it was also a small sense of peace. This is what I wanted, right? To come here, to escape. I did just that, so why am I so broken, horrible? Why am I so scared?

    I guess it could be considered PTSD. Every time someone concerning my family, my past. Water. The heavy feeling in my chest persists. Hands so shakey and anger blinds my eyes as I try to catch my breath. Tears form no matter how hard I fight them and I lose the little control I had. It's like breathing in a toxin that makes your heart race and mind slip into another, albeit horrible other reality before it either leaves your system or takes you under. Its horrific, a single moment brings back a million more in an instant and you lose all track of reality. All sense of self.

     There wasn't really a shore; but the soft current from the various wild life gave the water just enough movement to splash up onto the rocks and dirt. I sat beside it; trying to steady my breathing and calm my racing heart. It was so weird, the simple fact it was beating again. Alive. I'm not alive; this whole world is fabricated and a series of coding. But it felt so real. Everyone acted so organic and alive.

    It makes me livid. How can a world exist so perfect. So fake but so real I can literally touch it. I wish it would all end, just not exist.

     But that doesn't work. Every time I try. Every time I bring myself to the painful brink and kill him; achieve my game over. It just restarts. He doesnt remember what I did. He doesnt know why I hate him, doesnt understand why his presence makes me so absolutely spiteful.

     He's the only way out though. No one else does anything. I can kill zelda, sure.  But the game just glitches and becomes more distorted until I kill him and start it all over again.

     I should stop. End the cycle and give up. Accept this is my life now. It's not like my living life was any better.

     There is so much I could do here. I could change the game to be perfect. I could talk to the people here and respect them as people rather than the disposable hell I've done to them.

     It's so much harder this round, though. This time I know everyone has a personality. I know the people here are real; feel emotion and have a mind of their own. Like it's honestly not even a game. Maybe it's not a game. Maybe I've underestimated the world I've been living in this whole time. Its sounds crazy but not exactly unreasonable. Hell; being trapped in a game makes any other possibility just as plausible.

     It doesn't matter. I guess nothing does when you can essentially hit reset on everything and just relive it all. Try again.

     I want to go back to Link. I should apologize, explain. He's... yeah. He's human too. And I should treat and respect him like one. I want... so bad to kill him. But also so bad to be close to him. To ruin his life; make him feel the pain. To achieve the final game over. But I can't. I'm so tired of it. Of repeating the same sequence over and over. I want to understand him, befriend him. Understand the world I'm in rather than continuing to erase it.

     But I don't know that I ever could. Or that I'd ever be allowed. M.S. seems pretty adamant I do my duty until I make it to that final game over. That I stay detached from the world and remain empty. So nothing can hurt me anymore. Overcome the concept of life and destroy it. It makes sense. It feels so ruthless and dumb; but I respect it. He seems to be the only one who remembers what happens when the game resets. Him and Skull Kid, anyways. It doesn't make sense, then again does anything?

     Looking back into the water, I lightly tapped the surface, cringing at the cold slick feeling. It cause the water to ripple  in an almost perfect circle as fish and other small creatures gravitated to it in search for food. I press my tongue to my own teeth; sharp, dangerous. Much like the various fish in the lake. Harmless looking, even pretty. Only to have the jaws of a demon to shred apart anything it wants. Like sharks. Built to feed and to kill.

     I wasn't like that, was I? I've killed, yes. But that's not all that's to me, is there? Built for murder and nothing more. To push a selfish cycle of hate and death endlessly as in unrest soul. Would it ever end? Could I stop it if I tried? I don't know. I want to try.

     I curled up into myself; crying. I have nothing. I am nothing. And I'm not sure I can change that