Not Just My Enemy.

Chapter 17

The cold bathroom tile was the only thing keeping me grounded to reality at the moment. My clammy hands gripped the front of my tunic as I desperately tried to slow my heart rate, and gritting my teeth so bad my jaws hurt.

What had I been thinking?

I was thinking all too much, really. I just wanted a moment, a moment to think of my words without him looking at me. Tearing the walls so carefully built up over the span of so many game restarts, down like they'd never really been their to begin with.

I was thinking about how I was going to say goodbye. How I'd finally make it clear I had to leave, for his safety. For my (lack there of) sanity.

Give him the opportunity to be free of the stupid loop the two of us have been in for who knows how long at this point.

"Hey, are you okay?" The voice was quiet, directly through the door. So caught up in thought, I didn't hear Link get up and come over to the bathroom at all, but I guess it doesn't matter.

What did matter, on the other hand, was that Link's stupid ass was asking him. If he was okay, again. Talk about deja vú,

I could feel myself mouth the word 'fine'  but no sounds came out

I've got to leave, it's not a choice. This proves it now more than ever.

"I'm going to kill you." It didn't come out as a threat, barely a whipser, honestly. Suppressing the choked sob threatening to break through. I could hear his sigh from the other side of the door, a sound of defeat. I was trying to leave, and now I've made everything more confusing and painful.

Why had I done that? Did I want to do that? Why hadn't Link stopped me?

The memories played over in my mind, feeling more like it happened a decade ago rather than just moments. What was the point in that? To make things harder, ruin the both of them in one go?

Another soft knock at the door, "I'll wait until you're out of there, I'm not going anywhere."

He's so irritatingly persistent, so abnoxiously caring, so disgustingly good. There really was no reason it should be so agitating. Why was it agitating, to finaly have someone who cared? Is that really the issue at hand?

And here I was, yet again, dampening the mood. Dampening the absolute joy Link had being home. Im always so selfish, aren't I? "I've gotta go back, Link. If not, I'll kill you again."

The silence hung for a while, loud and drumming in my ears, until eventually Link spoke up. "What do you mean... again?" His words were tight, strained, and the weight of them hit heavy. I slipped up, I wasn't thinking clearly, and I told him. On top of the already horrible situation, no less. Drowning would be less painful than this.

I had to get up and face him now- it was no longer an option to sit and think and wallow. Ever so slowly, I pulled myself up off the floor and pulled the door open. Only to see Link sitting so close, legs crossed, and face plastered with confusion and worry just in front of where the door had been.

Reaching a hand out, he takes mine slowly, and I help pull him off of the ground. "I've got, a lot to explain." My voice is barely auditable, words not wanting to escape. Not wanting to finally admit my sins. Link did nothing but nod, and this time, he led me to the bed, pulling me with him to sit down. I could tell my eyes had darkened. The blur in my vision had become hard to see past. Not totally blind though, I was still able to read every emotion across Link's face, everything he expressed so openly and honestly. I never was able to do that, able to just open up, though now was likely a good time.

"Again. Yeah, uhm, wouldn't be the first time I've done that." I tried to say it easily, calmly, and yet I felt like ripping my hair out, especially when I noticed how poorly I was maintaining myself when the auditable drips of blood hit the blankets. "I've done it a lot of times, actually. I lost count on how many game-overs we have had now. Fifty? Sixty? That's just how it went for so long. You'd always come back, restart, and we'd be fighting again. Sometimes, it lasted a while, years of fighting before I eventually killed you. Sometimes, it would be no more than a few days. Endless loops of cat and mouse, ya know?"

Despite everything, despite me admitting I had murdered him over and over again, Link sat patiently and listened carefully. My hands still in his, he was collected. A stark contrast to my wild- unpredictable mood of the day. I've never felt this affected by much of anything. At this rate, I wish there was a way to stop it and put myself back in my normal state of indifference.

"I'm sorry. I think," I continued on my rambling. "It's different this time. You're different this time. I don't know why or how. I don't want to kill you. But I'm going to. That's all I do. That's my whole purpose. I know I'm going to mess this up and hurt you again. I have to go back home. Once I'm home and you're here, I'll have no way back to Hyrule. You'll be safe and you'll be happy."

I hated my own voice. The words bounced around the two of us in a way that felt like a sick joke. I shouldn't have ever said anything, I should have told him I had misspoke and left the conversation where it was. I shouldn't have ever stood from the bathroom. Yet, this was probably the safest option. Telling him the honest truth, and if it scares him away, that'll mean my plan worked, even if executed poorly.

After my word vomit, the silence hung thick and loud in a way that rang my ears nearly deaf. It was a common theme at this rate, but it didn't sting in my chest any less.

"I don't know what to think." He finally spoke, tongue like a blade through the curtain of quiet. I looked away despite not looking at him to begin with. Hiding even further from his gaze the best I could. "I don't know how to process this. It's a lot to take in." He sighed, a light nervous laugh trailing behind. Link never did pull away, though. Never scolded, never pulled is hand away, never came off as hateful or scared. Maybe it hadn't set in enough for that to happen yet. A waiting game of the inevitable.

"I'm not leaving you behind, though." He continued, his voice wary but sure. "You're my friend. It wouldn't he very heroic of me to leave you hanging now, especially if you're trying to do better. It doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, but we can figure it out along the way."

Sickening. He was a hero in every sense of the word and wouldn't even protect himself when he's told to. Pure of heart and truly the wielder of the triforce of courage.

Friend

Had anyone other than Link ever called him that before? Would anyone else ever be able to? Why did I care when I'd never cared about anything like this before?

It seemed like the hurt in my chest was trying to tell me something, but I've been doing a good enough job ignoring it so far.

"I think I need to go to sleep." I finally replied, unsure of what else to say and my head racing with too many thoughts to spew out in a way that would make sense. I finally looked up at a Link, who seemed to give me a sad yet understanding smile. Curse him, honestly. With a nod, he stood off the bed. Hands finally leaving mine for the first time, I felt cold with the absence. 

With a light shove, Link pushed me over onto the bed before walking to the identical one a pace away. "Sleep, then. We can talk more and figure stuff out tomorrow. Relax, and I'll be here when you wake back up."

With that, he lied down and curled under the dark brown covers, back facing me. He didn't even bother to take off anything but his boots, so he must have genuinely been tired as well.

That night, I sat there. Unable to bring myself to sleep, I watched him snore peacefully while my mind ran in darker and darker circles. Wishing I wasn't sleeping in this bed alone, while also grateful for the space and, finally, comfortable quiet.

I dread morning come

[AN. Next year will be this stories 10 year anniversary. If you're still reading, thank you. But also lol why am I writing this.