Our Seasons

Winter: His Warmth

Winter. The atmosphere seems to be cold. Snow are starting to fall from the sky above. Kids are building their own snowman and snow angels. It's a perfect time to make hot chocolate with marshmallow on top.

Ever since what happened last autumn, my quiet and lonely world were filled with joy and colorful moments with Xian. Just like he said, we made our own world. A world were just the two of us were in there, a world were we can freely do the things that we want without anyone to judge or say something about us. We listen to the music that we both want to hear. Sometimes, he sings a song for me. I just hope that this lasts for a lifetime. Not until a blizzard came came between the two of us.

If there is light, there is also darkness. I thought I get rid of the darkness inside me but I guess, I was wrong. It is starting to eat me alive, again.

"Do you think he loves you for real?"

A voice inside me said. Its at it again, what should I do?

"Just look at you. No one wants to be with that look of yours!"

No.. Xian loves me for being me.

"So, you're buying it? HAHAHA! FOOL! He is just probably bored and just having some fun"

No.. It's not true. My vision starts to blur and tears came out from my eyes. Why is it coming back every time my life is starting to became so colorful? Why?

I feel so lonely again. I feel empty inside me, it is like half of my identity are missing. Tears won't stop coming out of my eyes, as if I'm about to run out of water in my body from the tears I'm releasing. I don't have any courage to do something even just to answer phone calls from Xian. He's been calling on my phone all day but, even one of those phone calls, none of those are being answered by me.

The voice inside me just won't stop bothering me. It just won't leave me alone. I'm tired. I want to rest peacefully.

"Tired? Then, why not kill... YOURSELF?"

My body automatically stand up and walk slowly to the kitchen where the knife is, when suddenly someone knocks on the door. I stopped walking and stared at the door for a while. After that, I ignore it and continue to walk towards the kitchen.

I saw the knife at the top of the table. I held it real tight and closes my eyes real tight. When I suddenly hear a loud noise and there I felt something was embracing me. It felt so warm and my tears started to fall again. I dropped the knife that I was holding.

"Please... Don't do it. Don't let it conquer you. Don't let it to control you. You're life is too precious just to end it like that. Yourself is already enough for this world to shine. This world isn't complete without you. I know you're stronger than that voice inside you, YOU'RE WAY STRONGER than it."

He said without letting me go and just like that the blizzard vanished and the cold wind of winter were blocked by the warm embrace of Xian. His warm love towards me that takes away the cold insecurities I have. His warm presence that gives heat to the ice path I'm walking.