Cold Wind Of December

PROEM

DISCLAIMER: TRIGGER WARNING!

The wind punches my face, forcing me to close my eyes. Dinama ko ang hapdi. Habang kinukusot ko ang mga mata ko, mas lalo lang bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. Pumatak ang panibagong mga luha may i-iiyak pa ba ang mga mata ko?

Maybe it's the will of the wind to make my eyes close huh? Maybe they want it closed. Then, I'm doing it a favor! I'll close it.... Close it forever.

Man, I have never cry this hard. Usually, I'll keep to myself all of my problems, all of my sadness and all of the anxiety. Noon, kinakaya ko pa. I promise mysef I will never cry. Noon.

The last thing I will do is to cry. Crying is for the weakling right?

Mahina ka kasi! You're a dumbass!

But here I am, crying in the rooftop of a building in an amusement park that my father owns.
No one can hear my sobs, no one could see me crying here, maybe the wind.  I'm crying because I cannot contain it anymore. Hindi na pala sapat ang mga beer at wines sa cellar ni papa. 

Ilan buwan na ba? Ilang buwan na rin akong malungkot e, wala namang may pakialam. Humans only think of themselves, wala naman silang pakialam sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila, siguro nakikiisyuso lang.

My heart pains everytime I think of that. I feel so empty and alone here. Sa tuktok ng isang shop. I don't know how I get there. I..I just follow the voice in my head.

Wala namang may pake sayo.

No one asks me If I'm okay. No one would dare to asks me kung kamusta na ba ako, if I'm doing right, if I'm breaking into pieces. No one. Even my parents.

Chill dude, kaya nga maghihiwalay na ang mga iyon.

Hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagpatak ng luha ko, I cannot understand why I am feeling this empty and hollowness in my heart while I feel it breaking also. Tangina.

You will be okay and they will be okay pag nawala ka na.

Will I really be okay? Maybe. Makakapagpahinga ka na. The countless times of forcing yourself to be okay will now end. But one question never leave my mind, I'm good at my study, I'm a good child, I have never hurt someone but why... Why me? Of all the people bakit ako pa ang nakakaramdam nito? Why do I need to...

Why don't you end this all?

Ilang ulit ko nang naririnig ang boses sa utak ko. I think meron syang better idea para matapos na 'tong lahat. I am making this tough decision. If this would make all the pain go away, if this will stop all the bullshits in my life then what else I could do? I'll do it.

Inilibot ko ang mata ko sa amusement park, I smile painfully. All it's lights are giving hopes and happiness to the people but not to me. Ang saya-saya ng mga tao, they were all smiles. I saw a family, they are laughing. I envy it. A lot. Pumatak na naman ang panibagong luha sa mata ko.

Sana ganon din kami. Sana.

Putanginang mga sana.

Hinawakan ko ang bandirilya para mabuhat ang katawan ko pataas. Nanghihina ako dahil sa pag-iyak, sumakit ang palapulsuhan ko nang dumulas ako sa unang beses ngunit nagawa ko naman sa pangalawa. Nakatayo ako bandirilya habang umiihip ang malamig na hangin ng Disyembre, Dinama ko ang pagpintig ng pulso ko.

Mapait akong ngumiti habang tinitignan ito. Nandon pa rin ang bakas ng mapupulang guhit na ginawa ko noong isang gabi. Pito iyon. Pitong guhit. Akala ko gagaan ang pakiramdam ko kapag ginawa ko 'yun. I thought that all the pain would be gone but the truth is isn't. The pain turns into emptiness, it hides into emptiness which made it worst. I feel so worthless.