Forget Me Not

FMN 03

War

I never thought I would love being by myself as much as today. I have always wanted some company, because it makes me feel normal.

Before everything that happened today, I had my life perfectly planned. I wake up the day before with excitement to meet my special person, Ace for our anniversary. She was the only one who had lasted with me for a year, and I am very thankful for that.

My past relationships have ended soon before it got all serious, but with Ace everything was different. It was like I had a friend and a lover in one. The times we spent together made life easier for me. I have been thinking of a gift, and there's only one thing that I want to give her. I have decided to ask her to marry me. It may look like I was going too fast, but I cannot imagine the future without her. I prepared everything for the proposal to be memorable.

I asked her to come meet me where we first met, a café that's also considered a library. That day, we talked about how people prefers downloadable books rather than reading it in hardbound form. We clicked, got each other's number and then met a few times before we decided to date.

She arrives, and all I had in my mind is how am I going to make the conversation like what we always do.

"P'War, happy anniversary!" She greeted me with a smile, then I suddenly had this weird thought. And I am not liking anything from it. I tried to ignore it and just focused on celebrating. We talked about the memories we've shared like it was a movie playing in front of us. Upon finishing dinner, I brought us in a park near the café where I am planning to pop out the question.

We sat on a bench, and for some reason it was silent unlike how we were at the café. I looked at her, and she was trying to stop herself from crying. I wanted to wipe them off, but I just sat there frozen like a statue.

"Ace."
"P'War."

We call each other's name at the same time. Being a gentleman that I am, I let her speak first.

"P'War, I am happy that I got to know you. I am really grateful for letting me be part of your life. Before I entered the café, I saw you putting that velvet box into your pocket." The last statement kind of made me feel disappointed because my surprise isn't going well.

She continues, "I have imagined this situation a lot of times. How I was going to answer yes when you ask me to marry you. But then, right now, I couldn't even think of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't love you. I do love you, so much that I don't want to lose you."

She caresses my face, and I exactly know what will happen next. It just took quite a while before it actually happened.

"P'War, can I ask you something?" I nod in reply.

It's coming in 3....2....1

"Did you really love me? Or at least had genuine feelings for me? I know you told me that you don't like saying those words, so I didn't force you to. At first, I thought it would be okay, that maybe we shouldn't say it too much because it would lose its meaning. There are times that I kept on thinking why you haven't told me that, but I couldn't dare ask! I needed assurance of how you really felt! I started to have doubts, I was so scared thinking that you don't love me the way I love you. After that, I just gave up. I tried to fulfill my part, until I lost everything; myself included. I forgot the things that I thought I deserved. All that mattered to me is your happiness. Now, it's time for me to choose myself. I hope you understand."

I hold her hand, and still knelt down on one knee. She tries to pull me up, but her strength isn't enough.

"Ace, I love you. I am sorry if I didn't tell you this, if I made you have doubts of how I feel about you. It was just because I am scared that if you know everything about me, you won't love me anymore. You know how my past relationships failed, I was just foolish enough to make you experience it. I am deeply sorry if I hurt you in any way. I was really set on asking you to marry me. I wanted to reveal everything, even my deepest secrets. But seeing how unhappy you are, I think I shouldn't be selfish and force you to get into something you don't want anymore. I am kneeling down to ask for your forgiveness. I want to show you how sincere I am. I am setting you free."