i wish i just slept. // minchan

[2]

↬ Minho ❝here i go again❞ 

↦ 2:37 a.m. 

I should be sleeping by now but, I don't know. It's more like my mind is full awake because it's quiet at this hour. But I hate it.

I hate that it's quiet. I hate that my mind is crowded with thoughts I should have forgotten already. I feel so lonely. My body feels so heavy. Like everything's on top of me and I'm suffering alone trying to survive from this hole of sadness.

Is this real? Even if I look like a fool trying to hold on, I still can't let go. I wanted to let go because you already decided to not hold on. And I don't understand why I am still holding onto you. Is it because I don't want to fall behind or is it because I have nothing else to hold on to? Am I afraid to fall back or is there just no other hand trying to reach out?

Maybe you've already let go, but your memories are still holding on to me, your words are still lingering through my ears every time. The way you became the home where my soul feels the most comfort, it's still here.

You should have told me, so I wouldn't have hoped for us to last 'til the end. You should have told me, so I would have changed what you were concerned of. You should have told me, so I wouldn't have to risk my heart.

But you said it's okay.

You're the reason I believed it's alright.

It's fine because you said feelings is something, we have no control of.

And that is why I'm still here. Though I wanted to breathe, I want to breathe again and be free from this loneliness.

I want to be free again but how can I be free if the home my soul should be in wasn't here? I feel like a lost soul.

A lost soul trying to find the love that he waited for so long but lost it again. Because it's you.

You're the love I've waited like the sunrise.

Nights felt longer than usual. Quieter than usual. But I still feel short in time and my mind still feels burdened with ear-piercing thoughts no one wants to have.

"it's alright. I'll be right by your side, no need to cry about. I'll never leave 'til you sleep. I'll never go."

Where are you now?

"Close your eyes. There's a better place for you than to stay awake."

It was a better place when you are with me. Dreaming was such a good thing.

When reality would not allow our desires to come to life, we can just close our eyes and wait for our dream.

But it's not the same way anymore.

When I dream about you, that's when everything's alright. You're in my arms, here next to me.

Your warmth and embrace. Even if it's just a dream, it feels so real. As if you're really here with me.

And I thought it was okay. At that time, it was, but now, it haunts me. 

The dream that I have seen to be alright.

The more I dream about it now, the more I cry waking up from it.

It pains me. Even loving you alone feels like a dream, being with you is like a dream. A dream I wish I would never wake up from. Because I don't want to let you go and I know I can't. That's just stupid.

What's more stupid is that, I thought I already had everything figured out. But of course, I was wrong.

When you love someone, you got to learn to let them go.

But why? I know I should, I must, but I just can't.

What else should I do? 

I tried to stay away hoping I could make it through, but then I saw myself coming back to you.

I kept on deceiving myself. Trying to convince my mind that I'm already okay.

But I couldn't pretend anymore. I can't fool my heart anymore.

I still love loving you.

But you don't even have a clue.

[dialing...]