I sat on the patio in the backyard sitting around a glowing fire. It was calm and peaceful; calm and peaceful enough to let the wilderness nearby sing you to sleep. I stared into the golden colored flames and lost myself. I suddenly forgot about everything. I forgot about the burning sensation I felt on my wrists from cutting in the previous hour. I forgot about all the reasons why I cut in the first place. I forgot everything; all the physical and emotional pain I was in. It felt like the peacefulness that radiated off the flames of the fire had overcome me, like the placidness of the trees behind me had filled my inner being; my soul. For once, I felt at ease and not stressed.
By now, it felt like the whole world was completely silent. No sound heard, no sound made. That is except the beating of my weakened heart. I listened carefully to the vibrations of my heart and felt the weakness of it banging against my ribcage as if it were begging to be let free, free of this misery, free of life. With all the emotional pain my heart and I have been through, I know that any second my heart is bound to shatter and leave the broken pieces of a once strong heart that had become fragile over the long and stressful hike it took.
I continue listening to the fragile beat like it was the drums of a song. My eyes’ attention was taken away by the dancing ashes that float above my head like dead snowflakes, still listening to my heartbeat. I want to be part of the ashes. I want to float away with them, without a care in the world; I wouldn’t be able to feel my feelings. I can only dream of the day I die. But until then, I’ll just envy the ashes.
