I am Aspergic

My brush with OCD

My brush with OCD

Pre-note: This is something that is really painful for me to write. I hated reliving this horrible memory, and it still is very powerful in my mind. Even as I type this now, a tear is forming in my eye. When I reviewed what I had written, I cried. Heavily. This is because nothing moreso in my life has given me grief. It has eaten away at my life from years and years, but there was one time where it was extremely bad, enough that if it didn't stop, I would have ended up in a special hospital. Luckily though, I am much better though,and it barely affects. Anyway, you may be wondering what an earth this OCD is, and how it caused such a big problem, so it's probably best that I start to explain what it is, or if you do know, I will go into details of what I suffered. So let's begin.

Something that does tend to crop up with Asperger syndrome is OCD, or obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is a disorder relating to anxiety, and set rituals to relieve it. Such as some people may have anxiety of germs, and they wash their hands over and over again in order to make it okay, or to get rid of germs. This action is known as a ritual, and there are many different kinds of rituals, such as repeating steps for fear of a family member or friend dying, or checking doors to make sure they are closed. There fears are irrational and they usually have a strange ritual, such as doing actions to prevent someone dying, even though the two things are completely disconnected. OCD is not something that you can just ignore, but your mind makes it worse and worse saying that there are even more germs on your hand, or everyone will die. These kinds of things are extremely difficult to ignore, and are completely irrational. People without OCD can really struggle to understand how forceful it is. Some people I know have tried to say "oh it's in your mind", and "it's really easy - just don't do it."

This is not as easy as it sounds though. This is a disorder within the brain, and so the thoughts and obsessions can very very deep, so to speak. It is very difficult to sympathise with someone who has OCD and that is why it can sometimes be considered weird or abnormal, but everyone has some form of OCD. Sometimes it can be in such minimal amounts though that you don't notice. Do you ever clean a lot to make everything feel alright? Do you put objects about your house or desk evenly spaced apart, or parallel? These are just some of the many forms of OCD. The disorder can become out of control though if you succumb to what it is telling to do (I say 'it' but really, it's a battle against yourself. I just like to perceive it as an entity as it helps me direct myself into fighting against something. I personally perceive it as being a mental bully), it will get worse and worse, until you are completely taken over.

OCD can get worse depending on someone's situation, such as stress. I for example. I had OCD already, but because I was stressed at the time of doing my GCSEs, my OCD wasn't just bad, it was terrible, horrible - words cannot describe the horror I had been through. It caused arguments at home, I kid you not, every night. There were times where I just wished I would die, as the rituals I was compelled to do overtook my life, and I had to do them over and over again, like a broken record.

My OCD was based around a central idea of vomiting, germs and illness. I was a huge emetophobe - having a huge fear of being sick. I would do anything I could to avoid being ill, which I though would make me sick. I washed my hands extremely excessively, going through a bottle of soap A DAY, with no exaggeration. I would eat food only if it was cooked for 5 minutes at 100 degrees Celsius to kill pathogens. I stopped eating at restaurants under 5 star hygiene rating, I would wash my mouth over and over again, for fear that some germs were on my mouth, and would enter my body orally.

It became horrible when my face was entirely cracked, chapped and bleeding, by the amount of antibacterial chemicals I had put on it. I would also reject any food I though was not properly refrigerated, for fear of food poisoning, I rejected any food if anyone had touch it, throwing away whole pizzas worth eight pounds. I stopped eating with fingers, to stop any germs from my hands from contaminating the food, using forks to eat crisps, I stopped touching the cats, as I heard they had E. coli. The list is endless, and even now recalling all of the things I had to is heartbreaking. I lost lots and lots of weight from not eating. I must have lost about a stone, and I'm already a skinny person.