All colors of the rainbow

1

Do you know that feeling when you feel nothing but everything. It is like when you drowning, but not feeling the water around you.  You know that you swimming in it, you know what is killing you, but you don't admit it. Or you don't want to. If you do then welcome in my mind.   Sometimes every person on the Earth feels lost or misunderstood or without any emotions, but only some people really think about it.  Maybe all the time.  I am one of these TOO MUCH THINKING kinda of people. One day I am without any emotions, second one I am misunderstood and the third one I am lost.  One reason of all these feelings is probably fact that people around me are laughing and I am not. They crying and I am not. Most of the time when others are laughing I am acting it, because perfect people are laughing. When others are crying because of the dog without leg I am just acting, because perfect people are crying. Perfect people have feeling. I don't. At least I am not feeling them and you should feel them they are feeling, but I just don't.  I am talking about being perfect because I am perfect for some people. Some people look up to me. They think that I am perfect. And these some people... it is actually whole school. But anyone in this school never asked me  who I look up to. Never. And why they should right? I am the perfect Celia who everyone loves. But do I love my self? And how can ask someone who doesn't even listening. When I am thinking about it, do I even give people chance? Maybe it is all my fault.

I know I am broken. And I don't want anyone to know, but I still want someone to notice it. I wanna know someone who would come to me and say: "HEY I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALL RIGHT". Would that help? No. I would still say:" OH NO I AM COMPLETELY ALL RIGHT", same like 90 percent of population. It is normal but it shouldn't be. Person who wants to kill himself will not tell you about it. He will just do it. So how could we as society know how to talk about our feelings, when hiding it has to be normal for us. Problem is that when you will talk about it with people, they will probably tell you that you overreacting, that you are forcing it to yourself, but how would you force to yourself something, what would't even exist? Only the smallest piece is enough. Only one person is enough to start the war. Only one cloud is enough to start a storm, which will download thousands of others and together the will destroy whole rest. Storm, against which we can not fight. Storm, you have to join in if you don't wanna be destroyed. Maybe it doest look like it , but I am trying to avoid this storm.  But it isn't easy, when everyone sees boss in you. And it isn't easy when you are trying to be someone different. But you can't. You are trying so hard that what is going on is actually opposite. Then you can only thinking about differences. How your life could be if you did that in didn't do that.  You just can't thinking like this, if you will it will kill you. Badly. I regret so many things I've done, but I can't change it. Everything is about presence not about past. I can't change the past but I can change the future due to presence. Real question is: WHAT SHOULD I DO TO CHANGE THE FUTURE? I am thinking about this so much that I even can't focus on driving. I go along the beach and trying to see a little bit of this awesome sunset. I love it here. Sometimes. I love Italy, this vibe and everything it is awesome, but I miss something. Myself. Life. Really living. 

I realized that I really care about opinion of my family. I copy them. And I don't do thing by my way and my opinion. My behavior is how my family wants it to be. I've been this good child since my first breath. They want me to be the best me and to do the best I can. In school. In life. In everything. It is all about how good I have to become and how hard I have to work. I am sick of it. Literally. Why do you think I have to visit my psychologist? Of course my family doesn't know that they are problem. My mother has her big company called: Ballezza della natura, which means beauty of nature. They are making natural cosmetic products, it is actually kinda interesting but not that much when you know this company makes your mum be all the time in work. I almost don't see her at home. My dad is a layer and he works for one big company too but the most he works for my mom, as a layer for her company. Both these works are really interesting but I have so big pressure on me from my parents, I just can't handle it. Of course I really appreciate both of my parent and their jobs I just hate this pressure. All my life is just being a good girl. Good daughter. Good sister. Good friend. Good at school.  When you start school with good grades it is normal, when you're getting older and you're still have good grades you will not get rid of it. It is like sickness you've had since birth to the end of your life. People will want you to have good grades and if this will change they will ask what is going on and push you into studying because you should have the same grades like before. I am naturally smart I don't have to study much but still I have to do a lot. What I really want right now is turn on way to the beach, sitting here, watching a sea and talking to my friends. I want so many things in my life my parents would never let me do and I am sick of it. I wanna paint, I wanna get tattoo I wanna swimming in the sea while sunrise....... I really wanna life.