Don't Talk To Anyone | BOOK 2

twelve

Elle McBriar
May 4th, 1 year and 161 days since the first zombie report

I stood nervously and fiddled with my fingers, staring down at my shoes.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said rather quickly.

"Cut the shit, Elle. Riley told us what happened." I rolled my eyes, "He's such a snitch." I mumbled.

Paxton snorted and walked over to me, "He's 2, Elle. He'll tell us anything if we bribe him with sugar."

He walked closer to me until our bodies brushed against each other. Every time we moved, the simple movements made me shiver.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He breathed slowly, snaking his hands around me.

I shrugged, not meeting his eyes, "Because it's not important." I mumbled off the last part, hoping to break away from the conversation.

I don't want to talk about me. Ever.

"It is important, Elle. What do you mean? Riley told us-"

"I don't care what Riley told you, okay? I-I'm fine."

I pulled away from him and turned away as the memories began to resurface. I pushed back the tears that so easily sprouted in my eyes.

I missed his warmth. All I want is his comfort but he needs me right now, not the other way around.

"You can't keep pushing me away, babe. Soon, it's going to catch up with you." He started, "And I don't know if I'll be able to pull you back this time."

I squeezed my eyes shut as my eyes began to water, "I need to be with you right now. We don't need to worry about me." I said.

Paxton was right behind me as I crashed into his bare chest. He barely moved an inch as I fell back into him.

He caught me, caging my arms across my chest before spinning me around.

"You feel guilty, don't you?"

He wiped my tears with his thumb.

I shook my head, "No I- I'm fine." I was mainly trying to convince myself more than I was him.

If I say enough times maybe I'll begin to believe it.

I couldn't control my emotions as a wave of guilt flashed through me. I couldn't stop my trembling hands or quivering lips. I really didn't want to cry but I can't help it.

He pulled me to him, his weight crushing me. But I welcomed it. I feel safe.

"Riley said you were looking for me, the night you had an anxiety attack." I nodded my head, "You know I would drop everything to be with you."

"I don't care if I'm mad at your or if we'll a million miles away, you know I'll always be there for you."

"Now, you need to tell me what happened. Because when Riley was explaining, he mumbled a whole bunch of random shit and then started talking about dirt."

* * *

After I had finished telling Paxton what had happened, over an hour later, I felt relieved. I felt a huge weight being lifted off my chest.

We were sitting on the swing outside that he had made. His arm was resting on my legs as they sat on his lap.

"I don't know I just- feel like everything is my fault." I trailed off. Twirling my thumb around the loose thread in this blanket.

"But you have to forgive yourself because it's not. None of this is your fault, Elle. We should've been there for you- to help you when it came to saving Gage's life."

I shook my head, "No. You do not get to feel selfish right now. You are grieving a best friend, a loved one. It's my responsibility to make sure you make it out of this funk."

"But it's my responsibility, as a boyfriend, to be there in a time of need when my girlfriend needs me."

My heart flutters when he said he was my boyfriend. I don't know why I feel so tingly but I just do.

"When did everything turn to shit?" I mumbled. He scoffed, "When the two idiots released that fucking toxin."

I shook my head and furrowed my brow, "God, even through they're dead, they still scare me."

I felt Paxton's head turn as he stared at me, "What do you mean?" He asked. "Nothing. I just mean-" "Are you getting nightmares again?"

"Again? They never stopped."

Paxton rubbed his hand up and down my thigh, comforting me, "You have to tell me  these things okay? How can I help you if you don't tell me?"

"I didn't want you or anyone else to worry. We were doing so good and they weren't that bad. It doesn't really bother me anymore." I shrugged.

"Well obviously it does otherwise you wouldn't have them anymore. Is that why you're always tired? Because you can't sleep? Or is it because you wake up in the middle of the night?"

"I- I don't know Paxton! I don't know. It's both? This is t-too much! I'm afraid to go to sleep, okay? I'm afraid that when I close my eyes I'm taken back to that... place. And I can't get out of it."

"And on top of that, all this shit with Paxton and now the storms I- I can't do it anymore." I sighed, hearing my voice break. "I don't want to do anymore. I'm so exhausted."

His hand rested on my knee, "I know you are. But it's okay because I'm here. Alright? I- I can't lose you. Not again."

His voice faltered off and it was my turn to look at him. He had a weary look on his face like he was battling with his inner thoughts.

He was looking at the ground, eyes wandering.

"You're not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I whispered.

"How do I know that? How do I know you're not just going to slip away again? I feared about losing you so much last year that I didn't think about anything else. You slipped away from me too quickly and I blame myself for not doing more to help you. Or Gage. We left you alone to not only starve in your own guilt and anger but we left you to save his life when we all knew deep down he wasn't going to make it. I am so sorry baby. Please forgive me."

I wiped away a stray tear that had formed in his eyes. I kissed his forgive, "I was never mad at you. Scared maybe, but there's nothing to forgive because you did nothing wrong."

"Then why do I feel so guilty?" He asked. I paused, "I don't know. I wish I could take your pain I really do. I hate seeing that you're sad and in pain."

"I just miss him, that's all." He shrugged, "I know. It'll hurt for a while, but instead of thinking negatively... let's celebrate the life Gage did have, instead of the one he lost."

* * *

hey!

i finally got this chapter out.

sorry for all the dialogue hahah.