"Lindsey, do you have a minute?" He's leaning over the board, and I know he's been there for hours, tweaking things. He's coming up on the deadline to send everything in for mastering, and he's totally exhausted. I feel guilty dropping this on him right now, but I have to do it before tomorrow. He deserves that much.
"Sure," he says, spinning in his chair. "Come here," he says, opening up his lap. I smile a little and join him, sitting on his lap and letting him kiss my neck. "You didn't come in here to cuddle."
"No, I didn't."
"Is everything okay?"
"No."
He frowns at me and waits. "What's going on?"
"I'm leaving, Lindsey."
"You're what?"
"I'm leaving. I'm going away for a little while."
"You probably deserve a vacation."
"No, not just a vacation."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought I was okay. I'm not. The album is done now, and I need time. I need to rest. And everything is so intense right now - I feel like I can't breathe."
"There's no reason to panic. I know this is a lot, but you'll be okay. We'll do this together."
"No. I'm not okay. I need time."
"I'm not following. I'm not going to let you run away from me again."
"A month ago, I went to your house and had no idea what to expect. You've been my rock. I would not have survived it without you. I don't think I realized how broken I really am right now. I need to regroup and get off these fucking pills and figure out how to live again. I forgot how, Lindsey. You can't do this for me."
"You can't leave me again. I can't let you walk out that door again."
"You have to."
"Why can't you do this here? Where are you going?"
"I can't tell you that."
"When are you coming back?"
"I don't know."
"I can't live with that. I can't let you go to God knows where for God knows how long and just sit here and be miserable without you. You can't do this to me again," he says, his voice rising. We're standing now, and I'm struggling to keep my voice even. My heart thumps wildly as he speaks, and I know he's right. I just hope I can convince him I'm worth it.
"I need you to understand. Please, Lindsey." God damn it, I can't choke up now. I take a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling as I try to compose myself. "You reminded me that I'm worth loving. You showed me that I'm worth fighting for. Right now, I have to fight for myself. You can't fix this."
"Stevie, I wasted a lot of years waiting for you. If you leave now, that's it. I can't do this again."
I give up trying to keep my composure. "Fuck you, Lindsey. You have always wanted to be the one that swoops in and fixes whatever is broken in my life. You can't be my savior. We've finally found something that you can't cover up with a few weeks of chivalry and sex and you can't handle it."
"You promised you wouldn't shut me out again."
"I promised?" I laugh harshly. "When have promises ever meant anything between us?" He looks completely wounded, but I keep going. "We promised each other a lot of things. A marriage, babies, a life together. Things didn't go like we thought they would, in case you hadn't noticed."
"We can still have those things," he says, his voice barely above a whisper now.
"Not right now."
"I can't wait. Not without something to hold on to."
"And I can't make any more empty promises."
"So, what now?"
"My flight is tomorrow morning."
"And you don't know when you'll be back."
"No."
"And you can't tell me where you're going."
"No."
"Can I talk to you while you're away?"
"Probably not."
"God damn it, Stevie. Why won't you let me do this with you?"
"There are some things that are mine to deal with."
"You're really leaving."
"I am." He pulls me into his arms and holds me, and I can feel his body shake. I can't stand when he cries. It's rare that I see him fall apart, and it always destroys me. "I love you so much," I whisper, forcing the words out through my own tears. He doesn't respond, but a new round of sobs racks his body. Maybe I made things worse by saying those words out loud, but I need him to know. If I'm going to disappear, he needs to know that it wasn't because I want to leave him.
"Go," he says, stepping away from me.
"Lindsey..."
"Please. Leave now."
I turn and leave his studio, unable to so much as glance back at him. As soon as I get in the car I start to sob uncontrollably. Kelly drives in silence, knowing better than to ask me any questions.
I burst through the front door and start throwing things, smashing all of the glass I can find. Why doesn't he understand that I have to do this? Why did I let Richard fuck me up so thoroughly? Why am I apparently not strong enough to recover from this?
When there's nothing left to break in the entryway, I fall onto the floor and cry until I can't cry anymore.
