Today I realized I've become what broke me. They say that the first heart break is always the hardest. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to be used. I never want to give someone the ability to hurt me as much as he hurt me. I never want to feel that pain again. It hurt me so badly and I'm still taken aback sometimes when I think about it. When I hear songs I listened to with him it still hurts so bad. I think about all the time I wasted on him. Two years on and off. Three times dating. How did I let that happen. I'm not that type of girl to just get swept up and look for a future with the guy I'm dating. I can't believe I gave everything to him. Every part of me. I opened up and bore my soul to him. Not only did I give my body to him, I let him know things about my family I left behind. I cried on and to him about my mother and brother. I threw myself into him. I let who I was meld with who he was and now I'm still trying to pick out the pieces of myself. It's really hard to fix it to try and pull myself out of it. I can't just pick myself up and out. When I see him all of the memories come rushing back. When he left me I had horrible nightmares for 7 months. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating properly. I was depressed and pulling inward. There was nothing I could do about it. I could just feel myself falling apart, but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't change what had happened. He wouldn't let me. There were weeks when I didn't sleep. My body just wouldn't let me. Then when I did sleep I would have nightmares. I can't even begin to describe the nightmares that I had. I would wake up screaming and crying and shaking. My parents stopped checking in on me and just left me. Five months of not having any contact that was meaningful . 7 months of my parents giving me sidelong looks like I'd lost my mind. It's not like I could help it. Every time they would even try to say his name I would start blubbering. It wasn't good. It wasn't healthy. I'm doing a lot better these days. But on the rare occasions I do see him, it still hurts slightly. And because I don't want to face that hurt I run from him. I never make eye contact and I try to always have someone with me so I don't run and try to talk to him. It doesn't help that his work is my favorite place to go.
Don't become what broke you. Well I turned into a cold hearted nasty loveless bitch. I guess it's too late. I'll change that.
Don't become what broke you....
Don't needlessly hurt people. If you don't want to be with them. Tell them up front. Don't destroy them.
