The Transtempus Penalty (ERERI//RIREN)

Chapter 11

There wasn't a poet in the world that would have ever been able to describe how I felt that evening, sitting completely silently while Levi did his homework, something that I didn't suspect he did often. He would briefly glance up at me ever so often, and open his mouth, almost like he would say something, but every time, the words seemed to escape him and leave him with nothing to tell me. I could still feel the adrenaline in my system, and I wondered how I wasn't keeling over from heart failure at that point, but I could also feel a strong sense of guilty failure gnawing at my insides. I had betrayed everybody at the drop of a hat. I didn't know what to do, so I brought my knees to my chest and listened to the rain while I waited for a solution, wishing I could take myself back to an hour ago and slap myself in the face.

"I'm sorry," Levi said, closing his textbook and slipping it back into his backpack. "That was a bad idea."

"No, no," I started to say, but shook my head, needing to be clear that that couldn't ever happen again. "Look. I'm not gonna tell you that it was a bad idea, because I do think that we've learned a thing or two about ourselves, if you also feel like you're about to pass out. If not, then it was just me."

"It wasn't just you," Levi said quietly, shaking his head and pulling a cigarette from behind his ear, checking to see if it was wet before lighting it and taking a drag. "I know exactly what you're talking about. I wish we could," he trailed off and shook his head, knowing better than to go down that path again.

It took every ounce of strength in every fibre of my being not to indulge him, but I reluctantly held my ground. "Me too," I whispered, before continuing to backtrack. "It wasn't a bad idea, but I really don't think it's right for us to be doing this kind of thing."

"You're right," he said, trying to give himself the confidence to say something like that. "I think it'd be best if this didn't happen again."

"Right," I nodded, forcing myself to agree, still straining against my dying willpower. "I- yeah."

"I shouldn't have-" he started to say, but cut himself off with a sharp exhale.

"Don't say that. We'll figure this out, Levi. Okay? But it has to stay between us," I replied, watching him make his way over to his bed and gingerly sit down. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I could tell Isabel and Farlan what had happened, but there was no way I could have explained a situation like that. I was convinced that if I could get that to be an isolated incident, I wouldn't have to tell anybody, but that didn't help the fact that I had kissed a future serial killer, and liked it. Not to mention the fact that I felt like a total pedophile. I felt gross, and guilty, but so unequivocally attracted to him I could hardly stand it. It seemed like the two warring sides of me should have caused me to spontaneously combust. That certainly would have beat the world of hurt I'd be in if anybody else would have found out.

"No shit," he muttered. "Don't tell Petra. Don't tell anybody," he instructed, his voice slow and trembling when he spoke. "I'm sorry, Eren. Really, I am."

"No, stop that. If anything, I'm sorry we can't do it again. That's what I'm more sorry about," I said softly, shaking my head.

"But it was the first time we actually spent any time alone, and I went and fucked it all up," Levi said. "Now neither one of us is gonna be comfortable with each other."

"Levi, hey. Calm down. We still have to see each other, whether we're comfortable or not. We have to keep up appearances for Petra, alright? And I'm still gonna be bothering you during your shop class every day."

"You will?" he asked, his eyes lighting up for a moment while they regarded mine. I sat beside him on his bed, hoping to galvanize him into a sense of security again.