I am about to go out of this world the exact way I pictured it, and it's beautiful.
Spencer picked me up in his old refurbished Chevy that he'd always been so proud of. He wore a deep blue tuxedo paired with a lavender tie covered in tiny embroidered yellow flowers. I had given him that tie for our one-year anniversary after spending all day learning how to embroider from my grandma. It was so worth it. He looked so handsome and sleek in that outfit that I could've died right there in his arms already.
When I stepped into the car, I could already tell that his eyes were welling up with tears. I'd put on his favorite sundress of mine and he was always the emotional one between the two of us. He stared at me for a moment, cocked his head to the side with a small smile, and pulled me in. We didn't kiss, but he rested his forehead on mine and soaked in the moment. I saw a tear roll down his face and began to brush his cheek, but he turned away and switched the car into gear.
The drive was short and familiar. In what should've been the most unfamiliar day of my life, I felt comforted. I was able to dream for a moment that Spencer and I were just aimlessly driving around town for lack of anything better to do. I wish I had that luxury still.
Spencer pulled into our spot and threw the car in park. Frustration was hidden behind his sharp movements, but I understood. God, I should've been feeling the exact same way. But I didn't. I was calm and serene, the way an old person greets death like a friend. Spencer always told me I had an old soul. A pang of sadness wracked me out of nowhere as I realized I'd never get the chance to grow old with him. I quickly pushed the thought away and exited the car.
Hurriedly, I pulled the picnic blanket from the trunk of the car and folded it over my arm, grabbing the bottle of wine in the meantime. Spencer took hold of the picnic basket. The contents had been packed by me the night before, to avoid any stress in the morning to get ready in time. We trudged over the curb and to the worn down spot in the grass that we frequented. That area of the park had a gorgeous overhang where we could sit and see the whole city before us. It had been the perfect date spot for years.
The wind caught the blanket as I unfurled it and laid it where it belonged. Spencer was quick to sit on the left side of it, immediately gazing off of the overhang nervously. As ready as I had become for the following moments, he would never be able to accept it. He was as stubborn as a mule, and I loved every ounce of him nonetheless.
"We won't have time to eat," Spencer sighed, watching the various final announcements scroll across his phone screen.
"That's okay. It's not like we'll be hungry," I said with a dry chuckle. My joke didn't land, because Spencer and I locked eyes and I could see layers and layers of pain waiting to escape.
On the blanket, I pulled myself into his lap and held myself against his chest. At first, he barely grabbed onto me, touching me like I was the most fragile thing in the world. After a couple minutes of silence, though, his hands strained from squeezing me too hard. We were as glued to each other as two lovers could possibly be for infinite time.
I pulled my head back to kiss him, and it was gentle. Spencer's eyes were closed but tears flowed from them still. He kissed me again, urgently, and I could feel sobs choking the back of his throat. My own eyes let the floodgates burst.
His hold on me loosened and I leaned back so that he could cradle me in his arms. I roped my hand around his neck and stroked behind his ear with my finger endearingly. Our tears mixed together and we stared at each other with love and tragedy exploding from our hearts. I whispered encouragement to Spencer, but I knew he could barely hear it over his sobs. As we felt the final moments approaching, he pulled me back in as close as he could and gushed about his love for me. I reciprocated.
The explosions rolled over the hills in front of us, but I couldn't hear anything. I could only feel Spencer's dewy skin touching mine and acceptance filling my body like a faint glow. I somehow felt content. I relived every other content moment of my life all at once in a dreamy state. I smiled.
And as we stare into the flames now,
I feel warm.
