I choose life

Beginning

I use to feel bright, warm and loved. But now all I feel is pain, neglect and cold. We use to be a family, I would walk in every morning and see my mom and dad kissing each other playfully, I used to cover my eyes sarcastically and say it was horrible and they should stop, I never meant for it to really stop.. but one day it did. I miss that now more than ever. I don't really know what happened, but what I am sure of is that 2 months ago my mom went shopping and never came back.

Days after my mom left my dad went into denial, he started drinking and every night he'd come back smelling like alcohol and drugs. That was when it all started, he got violent. Charlie (dad) blames me for driving mom away, he says, " if you hadn't been such a selfish brat and so horrible about our relationship she would of stayed" somewhere deep down I know he's right and I occasionally beat myself up about it but I just know that taking his anger out on me is his way of repaying me for 'getting rid' of my mom, for driving away his reason for existing.
The first time i knew I had lost my dad was just a week after she went, I woke up crying and wailing like a baby after a nightmare about my mom and he came in screaming and calling me horrible names...as he did that he backhanded me across the face. I clutched my face with my hand and whimpered away from him, but that provoked him more and he kicked me in the thigh. It got worse everyday after that.

This all started just before the start of the summer break, Renee (mom) left the weekend before school ended, Charlie slept by the door for the first couple of nights hoping she would walk right back through that door, but she never did, that's when the drinking started and not long after that, the abuse. After he hit me once, it's like he was obsessed with it, it was like he couldn't stop... even if I looked at him with the tinniest bit of emotion he would beat me until I was cradled on the floor begging for him to stop. As soon as summer started I wasn't allowed out, for two months I had to come up with a different excuse every day as to why I couldn't go out with my friends, in the end I ended up driving them away for good. One time my used to be best friend Angela called me sounding really pissed off saying:
"Is it me Bella? What 16 nearly 17 year old girl doesn't want to go out and have fun.. I'm going out to port Angeles tonight with Jess and mike, if you don't show I'll take the hint..."

I never showed...
And from that day forth I was alone...

The summer past slowly and painfully, the only moments of joy I got was when Charlie had to go away for a week on a business meeting, but even then before he left he beat me with his belt Leaving 3 massive red attack lines on my back and kicked my chest, he wasn't satisfied until he heard me beg for him to stop after he cracked one of my ribs. He threatened me by saying I was not to leave the house under any circumstances and if I did he would know and I would not see the light of day again, he apparently has eyes everywhere. He only left me with two small tins of ravioli and a pop tart and locked the rest of the food cupboards so I couldn't access them. Even if I did have the opportunity to run I couldn't anyway, I was beaten so bad before he left that I spent the majority of the week huddled up in bed watching tv praying that he got hit by a bus on his way home.

I was always a very smart child, I knew how to take care of myself fully from the early age of 5, but over the past two months my survival instincts/tactics were the only things keeping me alive. I learnt how to take care of my wounds without Charlie noticing, I knew that I couldn't have a panic attack because that would worsen the situation, I knew I had to stay in control of myself and not inflict harm on myself intentionally. Every single time I was on the brink of cutting my wrists I thought to myself, "you are in control, you are brave and strong, you can do it", those are the words that have kept me alive.

It is now the day before senior year at forks high school. Charlie came back a few hours ago at just 10 pm, he stumbled through the door, suitcase at the curb and a beer in his left hand, he slurred some words which I could not make out and then slapped me hard again the cheek making me stumble against the wall. " don't just stand there you little bitch go get my bag", he slurred to me, then he stumbled through the grand foyer purposely wacking into me and instantly fell asleep on the couch in the family room. I grabbed his stuff and put it neatly in his room and went upstairs to prepare myself for the wrath of school tomorrow...

*HEY GUYSSS OK SO THIS IS MY FIRST EVER FAN FICTION SO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS FIRST CHAPTER AND TELL ME IF I SHOULD KEEP GOING AND WHAT I COULD DO BETTER, IVE GTO SOME IDEA FOR THE NEXR FEW CHAPTERS BUT FEEL FREE TO DROP ANY IDEAS... OK ENJOYYYYY*

Xoxo Emma

Disclaimer I do not own any twilight material that is all the wonderful work of mrs Stephanie Meyer this is just me having fun with her characters.