My Book Of Thoughts

I Miss You

wow. i had a dream guy. he wouldve got me anything i wanted at the snap of a finger. he loved me so much. but hes changed. changed completley to an extent where hes not the guy he used to be.

i just think back to a clear and sunny school morning where the bus dropped us off at school where all the other kids waited. and he would run up to me and hug me. and we would just sit there and talk to our friends. holding hands.

when he would walk me to first period. then i would see him after third period. ha there was one day when i saw bella and david and he came up to me and he hugged me so tight and picked me up and kissed me. and the way we would laugh together. when i used to be his everything. his entire world.  i was everything he cared about. it seemed like i was stuck in a never ending perfect dream. like a smooth piece of perfect glass. but now. after the day we broke up my life went downhill.

i used to be so cheery and nice. and weird  but now. now im swallowed in darkness , im lonely, i have moderate to severe depression for god sakes. then everything started to get worse. then i started to get bullied. called emo a bullshit attention whore. even after i always kept to myself. then my brother left. he went to jail. he was everything to me he was the brother that was there for me. my shoulder to cry on. but he went to jail for the sake of his damn stepbrother.

then my grandparents died. my mother became a druggie and an alcholic. my dad a heavy smoker. he had cancer. heart attacks. strokes and hes stil alive. but he continues to fuck with his body.  i started to self harm. cut myself. starve myself. shut myself out from people. everyone except my bestfriend. haha thats miraya.

but it was like i was a new painting. new, colorful, something that everyone admired. now im getting older and people are getting sick of me. my color is fading and soon i wont have any left.

ha but now. i wear black most of the time. i listen to depressing music. i play video games and watch tv all day in my room to keep my mind off of what's really happening. ive been in my room for a week straight. only coming out when i absolutley need to. i havent been outside in months. i think of myself more dead than alive. might as well call me a walking corpse.

ive thought about suicide once or twice but i havent because its not worth it. ive stopped all my self harm months and months ago. but i wish i could just disapeer sometimes. i just want my old self back. :( but thanks for reading i guess. hmu if u wanna talk.

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my instagram is  jadethepizzaprincess

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