My Book Of Thoughts

The Hospital

well about two weeks ago I cut myself to a point where I had to go to a physchiatric hospital. i got out of it about two weeks ago. ever since I have flashbacks from the hospital. from the night it happened. I remember hyperventilating and crying and suffocating myself with my pillow. my mom had to pull me away from my room..from my covers..from my bed..she do dragged me to her room and layed me next to my dad. I calmed down somewhat after he hugged me. he sat there clutching my lifeless body..cold. desperate. and rotting from the inside out.

when my parents fell asleep I crawled out of their bed. I ran to my room and cried.

I picked up the phone and called her. the one who shattered me to broken pieces. like glass being smashed with a hammer. when she picked up I couldn't say anything. all I could remember was her just constantly saying. your garbage. your a slut. your a this your a that. that everything would be better if I was gone.

I hung up to realize everyone had texted me saying oh if I had the pictures I would have spread them.  oh did you kill yourself yet. she texted me after saying that he was gonna break up with me. and at that moment the last piece of me had fallen.

I picked up on of the razors by my bed and held it to my wrist just staring at it.  crying. I finnaly took it and slashed my wrist as hard as I could I did it about five more timed down my wrist. I got up and ran to the bathroom almost falling over. I could feel the color leave my face and the light leave my eyes. I turned on the faucet and let the water run down my wrist. cleaning the blood from the very much of it I had on my arm.

I called the broward county sheriffs office and told them what I did. the guy I was talking to told me to calm down and to wait for the officers to get to my house.

.....

when they got there I put on a jacket and they told me to get my parents which I did. I couldn't even stand to look at my mothers torn face when I told her.

the officer told her and me that they had to take me to the hospital. my mother started to cry and she said please don't. let me calm her down. please. and they took me downstairs to the car. she told me to empty my pockets and get it the back seat which I did. I looked over at my parents and cried I kept on saying over and over daddy I'm sorry. mommy I'm sorry. I love you. which I sobbed in between words. mind you this is around 11 o'clock at night. once my parents and the officers were done talking they locked the backseat. when he started to drive he looked at me through the mirror and said did you hurt yourself? I calmly nodded my head yes. they started to drive down the road to a neighborhood I wasn't familiar to. when we arrived at the hospital I could feel the cold air brush against my face when I stepped out of the car. they led me inside and into the waiting room.  it looked like an ordinary office building waiting room. they called me in and I was led into yet another waiting room. there was a man sitting in the chair across from the one I was sitting at. I took off my jacket and he looked at my arm. as he did the officers wished me luck and left.

when the man at the desk left the room briefly the man sitting across from me said you do that to your arm? I looked down and said yes. he sighed and said suicide isn't the answer. I just looked down and cried. a woman came out of one of the two rooms inside the waiting room. the signs on them read conference room. then another woman came out and she gestured for me to come in the room which i did. she had a stack of papers with her too. I sat down in a chair across from where she sat down. she handed me a couple papers for me to sign which I didn't even bother to read. She asked me why are you here and I lifted up my jacket sleeve and she just stared.

Soon enough I was back in the waiting room.

Around 3 a.m a woman took me upstairs and showed me to my room. Everyone  was asleep. But I could tell there was two other girls in the room. I sat in the bed and cried until I couldnt keep my eyes open. The next morning I sat up in bed to find the other girls up and talking. One of them looked at me and asked me why I was here I looked up anf said "I cut, what about you" she said she did the same. Then the other girl said same too. I notived she was wearing a bring me the horizon shirt. I asked her if she liked bands and she said yeah. That was a plus.

I spent five days at that hospital and everyday it was the same. The same routine the same questions and the same people. Il never forget that time. The look on my moms face when they put me in the police car. The feeling of the razor piercing my skin. But its in the past now. And theres nothing I can do. Im just glad I go to a new school with new people who actually care.

Toodles to everyone reading xD