why do i let myself get into these situations? why am i so clueless?
i either overthink or don't think at all.
lately, i just feel like everything is my fault.
lately, i feel like im the ugliest person alive.
lately, i feel like people just feel bad for me.
lately, i feel like more and more people are going to take advantage of me.
i am the worst person i know.
i am always doing something wrong, even when i'm trying to please everyone.
and maybe i'm expecting too much from myself. maybe forcing, rushing myself out of bed every morning isn't a great idea, especially when my bones and joints are stiffer than a board.
all the prayers i say will never help me become a better person. yes, it'll make me feel more secure, but i know i'm still a shitty person.
sometimes i miss being alone. having no one. no one to please. no one to impress. no one to make laugh because i know deep inside, later on that night, i will sit in the dark wondering what went wrong with me. why am i always trying to please others when i can't even give myself a break.
i dont mean "alone time" when i say a break. when i say a break i mean validating my own feelings, trying not to put everyone before me and forcing myself to do things i don't want to do. stuff like that.
i disgust myself, and i feel bad for anyone who has gotten to know me.
all i do is stress myself out. all i ever do. covid thing doesn't help. i'll sit for hours thinking i have covid. i wouldn't be surprised if i had it right now.
i pray every night. yes i'm religious again. yes it makes me feel secure.
but am i really secure?
