My latest assignment, though still within the British Isles, takes me further afield than usual. In response to the pressures of popular belief I am to investigate the rumours that an alien space station is concealed beneath the grounds of Balmoral Castle, and that our own dear Queen is, in reality, a mutant extraterrestrial lizard, or should I say a cold blooded being from another word? I was able to put this theory to a partial test at a recent reception for the press granted by the beings of Buckingham Palace where I had the privilege of personally witnessing HM consume a portion of merengue in real time, and by deftly concealing a sample of a similar merengue from an adjacent though not exactly similar dish, I was able to ascertain, under home analysis, that my sample was an ordinary carbon based concoction, the only surprise ingredients being rose water and a backnote of wasabi. I say backnote as I was unable to detect this eye watering ingredient chemically but could explain my own tearful reaction to the process of analysis in no other way. I was also privileged to bend over the Royal Hand which I felt certain would be average body temperature, as such deceptions are easily arranged by the extraterrestrial. I can also confirm that HM is an air breathing organism and I can verify that she is capable of her own speech utterance as her remark, "I'm so glad you were able to come!" seemed to be directed to me in person.
Balmoral Castle, as a site for investigation, presents more of a challenge than central London. The estate covers an extensive area in the Cairngorms and though woods and forests provide sufficient protection to investigative journalists, I knew that I would have to be prepared to tackle the open spaces where large space craft could be concealed under retractable areas of moorland. My plan was to prepare for every eventuality - open spaces, wood land, parkland, home gardens and even interior spaces. For the first of these I determined on a strategy that drew on the psychology of surprise and disbelief. Just as the ancient Caribs had not been able to see the galleons of the early Iberian navigators so, I felt, no one would notice an Irish Elk, Megaloceros giganteus, browsing on heather and moss amongst the glens with its hang glider sized antler spread and post-ice age extinction persona. For the woods and gardens I had a clever disguise, headscarf, tweeds and Swarovsky studded wellies, which I felt confident would leave me free to roam unmolested almost anywhere within the grounds unless I was so unfortunate as to have a face to face encounter with a denizen familiar with HM herself. To compensate for the inevitable height difference I had devised an ingenious system whereby I would become a type of peripatetic trompe l'oeil, but more of that anon, I don't wish to give away too many details on such a subject in such a public space as this, especially as I am planning to patent the process - all sources of income being welcome in these difficult times.
It was only as I began the construction of "Louise", ( named for Princess Louise) or maybe half way through, that I realised the size, difficulty and expense of my undertaking. Louise was to serve as a mobile monarch watching hide, as a concept this would not be new to the profession, but in such a novel mode and on such a scale I felt that I must be scoring a first, at least outside the world of Attenborough - on whom I was planning to model my hushed commentary, but I do not wish to anticipate my narrative. Within Louise I had to have space, ventilation and certain limited facilities, and Louise herself would have to be capable of presenting basic physiological functions in the cause of verisimilitude that would necessitate the collection of large quantities of elk urine and faeces, for which I felt confident I could apply to various zoological institutions throughout the country. As to her mobility, that was where real engineering genius, and expense, came in. Louise was to be in essence a mobile cylinder capable of ambling, rearing, breaking into a gallop which, in the worst case scenario, would have to be in excess of a landrover at full speed over rough terrain, (I rejected schemes for dealing with airborne interventions, though i have to admit i toyed with the idea of achieving lift though a rotary exploitation of the antlers with the counter force provided by an adaptation of the tail, as too demanding technically and requiring too much in the way of mechanical housing - a brief estimate suggested that Louise would have to be the size of a mammoth, and this in turn would raise the requirements in the power-space race which could well result in a creature the size of Indricotherium which, though it might well succeed in the too-big-to-see stakes, was clearly well beyond my budget and we would be no closer to achieving lift than at the relatively diminutive stature of my original Giant Elk concept) of emitting natural cries, of ingesting twenty thousand calories of fodder, between 70 and 80 kilos of fresh birch and willow shoots and any amount of pond weed. The latter, I thought, would justify Louise's descent into the Castle water gardens or to the banks of the Dee. Her ears, which had to be capable of swivelling in a convincing manner, were to double as detectors - long-distance hearing devices that could pick up speech patterns at a distance in excess of a kilometre and also of measuring the subject's blood pressure, pulse, temperature, blood sugars, sedimentation rate, and other indicators of physical and mental well-being. Her eyes, large, lustrous and charmingly lashed were the perfect extensions of my Haselblad. Once constructed, Louise would be capable of banking enormous quantities of information both audio and visual, and transmitting it to my computers in London. I was also equipped with a number of minute cameras capable of airborne forays in the guise of appropriately Caledonian insects. These were disposable single-use mechanisms. She would be slow aquatically and so much in danger of foundering that I had to provide for such an eventuality by building escape hatches in her sides and back. A precaution which justified the extra expense later, as will be seen. My power source for Louise must remain under wraps. The test run, conducted in secrecy in a barn on my property in Hampshire was a success. I couldn't help but be in awe of the array of instruments at my disposal even though I had designed the layout myself I was not capable of the detailed engineering work. Louise responded magnificently to her ambling and browsing programmes, though we had some balance issues while rearing and pawing the air which could be fatal were they to occur in the field. The experience was somewhat akin to playing an organ from a confined loft. I chose a reclining posture which gave me complete freedom of limb use rather than the prone position favoured by those operating mechanical marine mammals in their attempts to cross the Atlantic fully submerged.
The next step was to transport my creation to Aberdeenshire, undercover seemed to be the only possible method, as Louise's public progress could well be accompanied by a national hue and cry that would make my mission all but unaccomplishable. To this end I bought and converted a second-hand pantechnikon van wide enough to accommodate Louise's antlers. And at this point I should add an explanation for those readers concerned that I might not have my facts concerning the natural history of Giant Elks correct. Louise is female in essence and yet sports that symbol of masculinity, par excellence, the palmate antler. This is partly because the female Giant Elk, though impressive, cannot cut the magnificent silhouette against the skyline that would achieve the sort colossal level of impressiveness that leads to total invisibility. The situation in which witnesses say - "do you see what I see?" only to receive a reply along the lines of - "yes, they said it was going to rain today." Of course, I realise that my search for giant space craft was in danger of running into similar paradoxes. As the believers in the mutant lizard theory state, the Queen and her Consort, are 3-metre tall reptiles, gorgeously scaled and magnificently endowed with intelligence and strength, it's just that we are incapable of seeing it. It's highly probable that they leave their human shells on our planet's surface to go about the monarchical grind by proxy while they enjoy the full glory of their 3-metre lizard-hood in the comfort of their home environment. Though what the advantage of this extraordinarily complicated manoeuvre cold be, I have no idea. Very probably it's some sort of hobby they have, just so that they can say to other lizards at social gatherings: "Our shells are high status individuals on a remote planet, the centre of bizarre rituals that evoke imperial ambitions without wishing to revivify them." Perhaps our lizards are of low status on their home world and are rather looked down on by other lizards whose shells are central to new intellectual ages on their planet of recreation. But I could go on through this maze indefinitely.
My closest helpers were insistent that I should test run Louise in Salisbury cathedral close, or some central area of Southampton or even Southgate Street, Winchester, a tactic which I rigorously opposed as I imagined the headlines – Giant Elk Sighted in Cathedral Close! – as if it were the natural habitat of Giant Elks, and as I vigorously argued, to be too big to see in such an environment one would have to be a rival to the cathedral itself, and that was totally beyond budget. But they said, but there are no buts I replied, if you wish we can make a detour to Binham Priory and Louise can stretch her legs amongst the ruins or trample the sand around the nests of pied avocets on the Norfolk Flats - her invisibility depends as much on the environment in which she is to be found as her size and rarity. I had my way, of course, and, choosing a period when the subject of my quest would be in residence, we set off north for the putative space station on the Dee. How exciting, I thought, I would not only, by this assignment, reveal the true nature of our beloved monarch, but at the same time I would be establishing a link with another world, a proof that we were not alone in the universe. That intelligent beings are guiding us through the bewildering labyrinth that leads either to oblivion or full maturity amongst the Galactic Community.
