A Glimpse of an Ethereal Freedom

Prologue

"Tama ba itong nakikita ko? Aya, this is just 93! Ano bang nangyayari sayo? You 're already graduating! Ngayon ka pa ba magpapabaya? "

I just stared intently at him as he shouted these words at me. Wala akong nagawa kundi bumuntong hininga habang pinapakinggan sya sa mga litanya niya. Laging ganito, sa tuwing kakausapin ko sya tungkol sa mga grades ko sa school. Kung hindi pabaya, iisipin nyang may ibang mas magaling sa akin sa tuwing makikita niyang hindi ko maabot ang sky high na expectations niya sa akin.

I was raised well, I must say. Papa taught me the importance of education, the importance of being an educated individual. Papa was my role model. He is none other than Architect Carlos Saavedra. His name is well known not just here in Manila but also he's slowly making it to the architecture scene abroad. In fact, he'll leave for Spain next month as he was included in the team that will build a five star hotel in Madrid. I remembered what my Lolo used to tell me, Papa was always on the top of his game. He was an achiever, he was a perfectionist as what my grandfather used to describe him. Well grumaduate sya as Summa Cum Laude of his batch and he even made it to the top 10 of his board exam.  And growing up, I vowed to myself na gusto kong maabot kahit kalahati man lang ng mga naabot niya. Kaya mula noong natuto akong magbasa at magsulat, hindi na ako tumigil mag aral. Kung ang ibang bata nasa labas at ineenjoy ang mga panahong malaya pa sila, ako binababad ang sarili ko sa mga libro. Maaga kong natutunan ang pagiging responsable, na mas mabuting maghirap ka ngayon kesa magsisi ka habangbuhay. At first, aaminin ko na napakafulfilling sa pakiramdam. Hindi nawawala ang pangalan ko sa listahan ng mga honor students at hindi na din mabilang ang mga natanggap kong awards sa iba't ibang competitions sa school at bilang miyembro din ng iba't ibang organizations.

Pero, sa una lang pala masaya. Kase habang tumatagal, mas narerealize ko kung gaano karaming bagay ang nawala sa akin. I robbed myself of my youth. While everyone else are going to parties and jamming with their friends or just having random sleepovers and sudden roadtrips, I'm here stucked in my four walled isolation place, drowning my mind with words and information as if my life depended on them. This has been my life since the time I cannot even recall. Ni hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ako huling lumabas kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. Or do I even have friends anymore?  Sa school I cannot even say if they treat me as a friend, well they are casual, but not the type that they would ask for coffee dates or group studies, probably because they see me as an uptight girl na wala ng ibang ginawa kundi mag aral ng mag aral. Everyone sees me as the achiever and well behaved Alleine Yasmin Saavedra. Prim and proper, a princess, an almost perfect girl with the almost perfect life. But little did they know, I was far from that girl. Nakakalungkot mabuhay bilang ako. Why? Because at first, I thought my father just wanted me to do well but as I grow up I realized he wants me to be perfect. Like he wanted me to be his human trophy for people to see that he is a perfect and well dignified man. He wanted me to treat everyone as competition. Always be on top of your game, no one is better than you, a few things he would always remind me kapag mag uusap kami. He never forgets his reminders na paulit ulit na lang pero nakakalimutan niya akong kumustahin. Kung ayos lang ba ako? Kung kaya ko pa ba? Kung masaya ba ako? Kung gusto ko ba talaga ang lahat ng ito? Pilit kong pinapaalala sa sarili ko na mahal niya ako kaya niya ginagawa ito. Pero minsan naiisip ko na nakakasakal pala ang paraan niya ng pagmamahal. Nakakalungkot. Nakakapanghina. Nakakapagod.

"I'm sorry Pa, nagkasabay sabay lang po kase ang mga exams namin kaya medyo nahirapan po ako. Babawi po ako sa finals. " I said ng hindi makatingin sa kanya

"Kung nag aral ka talaga, kahit sampung subjects pa yan ay makakayanan mo. O baka excuse mo lang yan at hindi ka talaga nag aral? Don't try me Aya! Hindi mo magugustuhan kapag nalaman ko na kung ano ano lang ang inaatupag mo!" His voice thundered across the dining area habang padabog na ibinalik sa mesa ang kopya ng mga grades ko

"Pa.. H-hindi po. Medyo nahirapan lang po talaga ako n-ngayon. Accountancy is really draining Pa. I'm sorry po!" I can't help but stammer upon explaining my side

"Enough of your excuses Aya! After your dinner, you go back to your room and get back to your books. I want the best results for your finals!" Papa said sabay tayo at akyat sa taas.

I smiled bitterly and quietly finished my dinner before going back to my room and do what I was told. I don't want another row with Papa kapag nakita niya ang finals grade ko. I quickly finished my food at umakyat na. I stopped by Papa's door to check if he's already sleeping but I heard him talking to someone on the phone. That's probably work.

"Nakakapagod maging anak mo Pa" I silently whispered as a lone tear rolled down my cheek. I immediately wiped it and silently headed back to my room, quietly laying down on my bed. Letting myself rest for a while before I go back to sad reality. After a couple of minutes I decided to get up and take a shower first. Before walking towards the bathroom, my eyes caught a frame on the table beside my bed. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pangungulila habang nakatitig sa masaya niyang mukha na sa mga litrato ko na lang talaga makikita. I stared at the only person who could understand me and the pain and frustration I went through for the past 19 years. Wala sa sariling hinaplos ko ang larawan niya at unti unti ng kumawala ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

"Ang lungkot dito Ma. Sobrang lungkot. Nakakapagod na Mama. Sana sinama mo na lang ako. " humahagulgol kong sabi habang yakap yakap ang litrato ni Mama.

That night, I cried myself to sleep hoping that tomorrow will be better. I want to be free Mama, I badly want to be free